New Shiznit film critic Michael Owen reviews this week's new releases

Michael Owen

15th August 2014

The internet did a collective snigger today when a Guardian interview revealed footballer-turned-pundit Michael Owen had only ever seen five films in his life, including Jurassic Park, Ghost and Heat. Because I'm a die hard Liverpool fan and I'm always keen to expand the horizons of fledgling film fans, I asked Michael if he was up for watching and reviewing five of this week's new releases, doubling his total. Unbelievably, he said yes! I know! I'm still in shock! Take it away, Michael Owen!

The Expendables 3

"I'm not sure why I've been asked to review films for TheShiznit.co.uk, as I have only seen five films in my lifetime. To be fair, one of them was Rocky, which is a brilliant film. The star of that film, Sylvester 'Sly' Stallone, also appears in this film, so I guess that means that actors can appear in more than one film? Not sure, I'd have to ask my wife. Anyway, this was very loud and I didn't really understand the plot so I turned it off after 30 minutes. I didn't get why Rocky was fighting a war."
Hector And The Search For Happiness

"From what I could make out, this is a film about a man who goes on holiday to cheer himself up. I've travelled a lot, I lived in Spain for a few years when I was playing for Real Madrid. They're a great team and the lads treated me like one of their own. The Spanish press were a bit harsh on me sometimes, but nothing as bad as you get over here. I sometimes visit Spain on holiday with my wife and daughters. I watched about 25 minutes of this but didn't really get the jokes so I turned it off."
The Congress

"I don't watch cartoons so I turned it off after 15 minutes."
The Rover

"Judging from the accents, I think this film was made in Australia. It's about a man who falls out a car and I think he's being chased by some other men... or something? I'll be honest, my mind is on the opening weekend of the Premier League. I think it's going to be a brilliant year. I'll be crossing my fingers for Liverpool, believe that. I can't wait to get back from my presenting job for BT Sports, sit down on the sofa with my wife and daughters and enjoy a cracking cheeseboard with Match Of The Day. I turned this off after 10 minutes. It wasn't as good as Cool Runnings."
The Unbeatables

"Finally, a movie that's made for me! The Unbeatables is all about a table football team who have to defeat another evil table footballer. It's an animated film but I was still able to provide detailed analysis on the table football the players play. It's quite unrealistic because, actually, table football players are usually wooden or plastic and can't talk or think, but I reckon that's just something that happens in films like this so they're easier to watch. I cried at the ending and I didn't even cry at the birth of my first daughter because I was too busy thinking about the forthcoming game with Stoke. Five stars! Out of five."
More from Michael next week!*


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