Revealed: story outlines for the next five Final Destination movies


29th August 2011

Final Destination 5 is in cinemas now, and the series shows no signs of slowing in the forseeable future. Instead of waiting for the official plot reveals, we though we'd jump the gun and write the next five Final Destination movies for the writers. You're welcome, guys!

Final Destination 6 (2013)

Preppy high-schooler Bobby (Jerome Fingerblast) and his friends are enjoying a school trip to the zoo, when one of the monkeys flings its poo into the mechanism that keeps the lion enclosure secure and unlocks the gate. In the ensuing maelstrom, Bobby and his friends are eaten alive, trampled by rogue giraffes, raped by horny gorillas and shat on by mischievous exotic birds. Thank God it was just a premonition!

Subsequent death scenes:

- Troy (Alan Van Dorkenstein) is crushed to death by his DVD collection after buying one too many Rob Schneider boxsets.

- Fanny (Susie Beard) dies from excessive diamond cuts to the crotch when a routine vajazzle goes awry.

- Myleequa (Maya Sassywitch) has her face blasted off by an acid bottle that accidentally fell onto the perfume tester shelf in Macy's.
Final Destination 7 (2015)

Creg (Fetus Chapstick Jr) is about to finally be crowned Prom King on his last day of high school, when the roof of the school gym falls in and flattens every last graduate into a giant educational pancake, much to the horror of Prom Queen JulieAnna (Fergie St Gerrard). During the mayhem, kooky teacher Mr Flaaherty drowns in the punch bowl, nerd Brains (Jeff Sandwich) is decapitated by his own braces and jock Flash (Steve Yaw) is castrated by a flying mic stand. Wait... it was only a premonition? Phew!

Subsequent death scenes:

- Bunk (Gareth Flange) comes a cropper in the gym when his running machine accelerates to the speed of light, causing him to travel through time back to the Jurassic age, where he eats some poisonous berries and dies before even seeing any dinosaurs.

- Oscar (Donce Flanagan) awakens from sleepwalking to find he recruited himself into Al-Qaeda while unconscious and explodes before he realises his target was his favourite pop star, P!nk.

- Quimby (Gargulus Plute) is electrocuted by a faulty speaker at a Bob Dylan concert but no one notices his dying screams until the show is over.
Final DestinEIGHTion (2016)

A school sports day turns jubilation into horrification, when the performing athletes accidentally ingest a fatal dose of performance-enhancing drugs, just leaving them time to inflict their steroid-induced rage on the horrified crowds of parents and well-wishers. Javelins pierce testicles, skulls are shattered by discuseses and someone trips over a pommel horse and lands on a pile of upturned track shoes. Dream sequences are expensive!

Subsequent death scenes:

- Bert (Fred Ward III) literally dies of shame after being caught masturbating over hentai porn by his hot Asian neighbour.

- Trent (Gipper Galore) gets hit by a monster truck driven by a rapist who just murdered an illegal immigrant clown.

- Moesha (rapper Tiyara Blayz) ignores the fact her friends are all dying in ludicrous situations and goes hot air ballooning. She falls out or something.
NINEal Destination (2018)

An innocuous visit to a pillow factory turns into a bloodbath as a group of school day-trippers are massacred by malfunctioning machinery. Alanna (Chianti Graceful) is ground into horse-meat by fluffing robots gone insane, Flex (Stud Grumpling) is stuffed into a deluxe cushion and squashed by a durability tester and feathers turn deadly when jettisoned at high speed from the building's overheated air-conditioning unit. Also, twist: this isn't just a premonition... it's a premonition of a premonition!

Subsequent death scenes:

- Survivor Jesse Hogan (Rik Swizz) runs around the high school swimming pool with a pair of scissors in each hand to grab his lunch, which he then promptly chokes on and dies.

- Mitsy (Joody Tonicwater) tends to some school secretarial work when her loosely-knotted sweater becomes entangled in the fax machine, resulting in the drawn-out bloody shredding of her increasingly nude body and an eternity spent with her consciousness continually trying to connect with an unrecognised destination number.

- Dr Trenton Vale (former wrestler Bort 'Stinky Cheese' Bishop) dies of a broken heart.
The Final Final DesTENat10n (2020)

The thrilling last instalment of the Final Destination franchises opens with the biggest disaster yet: an amalgamation of the first five movie's opening scenes to celebrate the series' 20th birthday. Terrence (Trent D'Arby) and his classmates plummet to their death as their plane crashes on a motorway, causing a huge pile-up which collapses a nearby bridge on top of a theme park. Nearby, a NASCAR race ends in tragedy, but that's always happening. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD DIES. Or do they?

Subsequent death scenes:

- Val (Alabama Borderline) chokes on a peanut, slips in the shower, gets tangled in the curtain, steps on a tack, catches on fire and falls out of the window only to land in an acid truck that's about to crash into a lorry transporting syringes of insulin to desperate orphans.

- Colm Artichoke (Peyton Swan) attempts to forget the horrendous deaths of his classmates by relaxing in a tanning bed, which super-heats to 1000 degrees before shooting through the roof and smashing through the window of a dentist's surgery, just as Dr Chad Sexington (Gay Bender) slips and stabs Colm's mother in the mouth with a scalpel. The building collapses onto a parade of starving hobos and war veterans.

- Actor Tony Todd suffers a fatal heart attack on set, but quick-thinking editors cut footage of his tragic passing into a heartfelt last-reel montage.
Just send the royalty cheques to the usual address, Hollywood.

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