Some casting suggestions for Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones returns for its fourth season in April and, frankly, I can't wait. Despite this very website placing it a measly 16th in its list of top TV shows last year, it's easily the best thing on TV. (The list was topped by something called "Breaking Bad" which, although sounding very interesting, hasn't got dragons or naked fire priestesses in it, so fuck knows how that's meant to be better.)

Much as I love the show though, some of the casting choices are occasionally a bit on the bizarre side. Last season we had The Office's Mackenzie Crook, presumably purely because The Hobbit had bagged his co-star Martin Freeman and they didn't want to be outdone. We also had Paul "Dennis Pennis" Kaye, who was famous for about two minutes in 1995, and this year they've roped in yet another British comedy institution in the shape of Mark Gatiss.

Through his association with wacky sitcoms The League Of Gentlemen and Doctor Who, Gatiss is fast on his way to becoming a national treasure. Oh, and he's also partly responsible for some little programme called Sherlock, which is apparently also better than Game of Thrones even though there's not been a single disembowelling and everyone more or less keeps their clothes on, which, frankly, is just absurd.

Gatiss has joined Thrones' cast as a banker, which doesn't sound very exciting but I'm sure it'll be fine. Actually, come to think of it, as most bankers are power-mad, inbred cunts, they'd probably fit in with the show perfectly.

Now, I've not read the books. I thought about it, but have you seen them? They're bleeding enormous. I've got the attention span of a five-year-old. The chances of me reading anything that long are about the same as Louis Walsh learning something about music, or someone on TOWIE managing to articulate an entire sentence. (I'm guessing now. I've never seen TOWIE, but my understanding of it is it consists purely of utter fuckwits saying "babe" to each other for an hour each week.) I can just about cope with Horrid Henry.

So in short, I've no idea about what's coming up. This means that, besides knowing nothing about Gatiss' character, I've no idea what's going to happen next. I'm fairly sure it'll involve lots of swearing and naked people and everyone will end up dead by the end of the season, but beyond that, not got a clue really. It also means I can dream up parts for other random British comedians who haven't yet appeared. Such as:

Matt Lucas



Surely there's a part for Matt as Varys' son? They're both bald, so obviously they must be related. What do you mean, Varys is a eunuch? (*looks up 'eunuch' in dictionary*) Oh ... I thought it was something to do with stamp collecting. OK, scrap that, stick a wig and a dress on him. With his female impersonator skills he can be a comedy whore in Littlefinger's brothel.
Lenny Henry



Hey, he's a serious actor nowadays: he's done Shakespeare and everything. Besides, there's not many black faces in Westeros, so we're long overdue some. Maybe we should send UKIP there? Sure they'd enjoy the general lack of immigration that goes on. They've even got a giant wall to stop people entering the country. Best of all, with the average life expectancy in Westeros being about 20 minutes, it means we could be free of UKIP by Easter.

I've no idea who Lenny could play. His Brummie accent would probably rule out most parts. Are there any characters with no tongue?
Bernie Clifton



No, Bernie's not got a massive amount of acting experience, but his ostrich operating skills are unmatched. Switch the ostrich for a dragon and, hey presto, you've saved a couple of million on your effects budget and can now afford clothes for all your extras.
Russell Brand



Slightly weird hippyish religions? Hordes of naked women? No Katy Perry? Westeros would be a dream come true for Brand. Hell, half the men there have already got longer hair than he has. The only downside is that sending him to another country would make the Daily Mail very happy, and that can never, ever be allowed to happen.
Jim Davidson



Now he's won Big Brother and all that unfortunate business with the police is over, Jim's free to return to his proper career. No, not being an insufferable cunt; the other one - entertaining the troops. There's a lot of depressed soldiers in Game of Thrones, normally because they only live for about five minutes. They could use a bit of cheering up. Unfortunately the lack of non-white faces in Westeros might however mean that 'Nick Nick' would run out of material in about 20 seconds. So, a plan with no drawbacks then. Other than Jim Davidson being on TV.
Ricky Gervais



With Ricky's huge range he could play anything from a smug, embarrassing, self-righteous millionaire to, er, any role that involves him pulling a silly face. Mainly I'd like him to be in it as they've got loads of different gods in Game of Thrones, and the idea of just one gets right on his man-tits.
Peter Kay



There's a hell of a lot of back-story in Game Of Thrones. Despite the valiant efforts of the writers to crowbar as much in as possible, there's way more than they can manage. So why not get Britain's finest purveyor of mildly amusing nostalgia to pop up and spend an episode explaining the history of the Night's Watch, the Targaryen family tree or various other things that people who've never had sex care about.
David Walliams



With David's swimming skills surely he's a shoo-in for a role on the seafaring Iron Islands. Admittedly they're all a bit macho over there, which means he may be something of an odd fit, but if they can manage Lily Allen's little brother and Finchy from The Office surely there's a space for David? Plus his fondness for getting his arse out surely means he's perfect for the show.
Bob Carolgees



According to Wikipedia, Bob's still alive, so let's get him in there. Daenerys has got three dragons and, talented as Bernie Clifton is, he can only operate one at once. Maybe two, depending on how ambidextrous he is. Possibly all three at a push, but I really don't want to think what he'd operate the third one with, so let's get fellow puppeteer Bob in there. As for operating the third dragon, as Rod Hull's still preoccupied with being dead, I nominate Matthew Corbett, providing he's not been Yewtree'd yet.
Miranda Hart



Because, to be honest, I just read back the list and realised I'd forgotten to put any women on it, which is very naughty, as well as inadvertently sexist of me. Sorry. Wasn't intentional. Now I've put a token woman on the list, which is possibly even more sexist. To make things worse, I'm not even sure who she could play. She's quite tall, so a White Walker? Anyway, she's very good at falling over, which'll doubtless come in handy when she's inevitably bumped off after two episodes.