Stephen Baldwin compares self to Job, will act for money


3rd May 2010

Hollywood actor Stephen Baldwin, of The Usual Suspects and Biodome fame, needs your help to spread the word of God. Uh, hey buddy, can you spare a dime for a brother in need?

If ever there was a Hollywood family that actually deserved the reality TV treatment, it'd be the Baldwins. You'd have Alec (Alpha Baldwin), with his messy divorce and "thoughtless little pig" daughter; you'd have Billy (Lesser Baldwin), who totally dropped off the radar. Then you'd have the dozen or so minor Baldwins to pad out the running time. Throw in some comedy sound effects and you've got yourself a TV show!

Let us not forget Stephen Baldwin, he of The Usual Suspects excellence and subsequent career fartsplosion. If you saw him annoying the shit out of everyone on the last Celebrity Big Brother (moreso than most housemates), you'll already know that Stephen became God-Botherer Baldwin in 2002 when he decided to spread the word of Jesus Christ. Strangely, the roles started to dry up and he was recently declared bankrupt. (*blows horn*) Listen up, world. A Baldwin needs us!

The press have just picked up on a website called RestoreStephenBaldwin.org, an organisation whose sole reason seems to be to beg for donations from stupid Christians to keep up payments on his lavish lifestyle. Not a hoax. The site reads:

"If the people of God come together and each give a small "Token Gift" we can see a massive restoration of a Christian public figure and all the glory will go to God."
I think when they say 'token gift', they actually mean 'gift-wrapped turd in a box'. This website is fucking nuts. It even has excerpts of discouraging internet comments under the heading, 'Persecution'. Baldwin, who claims he's not involved but seems to know the intimate ins and outs of where the money goes, is literally being compared to Job - the Biblical figure who was persecuted for refusing to waive his belief in God. This coming from the star of Shark In Venice. Again: this is not a hoax.

Speaking to PopEater, Baldwin explained everything. Just a heads up: this is going to make you want to punch him in the face even more than you already want to.

"The simple explanation for that is when you're living one particular way in a certain income bracket, not only as a result of what's been happening in the economy and sub-prime blah blah blah [actual quote - Ed], that along with my consciously deciding there were roles that I had been doing pretty regularly that would allow me to make X amount of dollars per year...

"Well, as a result of my decision that I made as a born-again Christian... I made the choice to no longer participate in playing those roles in the past, [and] it affected my income. I was easily making a million and a half to two million bucks a year and living pretty dang good... I'm feeling like I just don't want to play those roles anymore.

"I think the motivation for this vision, called 'All Who Knew Him,' and the launch of that being RestoreStephenBaldwin.org, this guy was saying, "Hey, if you're a Christian and person of faith, there are people doubting whether or not the God of Stephen's faith had abandoned him, and here's a way we can step up and say, 'This is our expression of wanting to counteract that.'""
Jaw-dropping. He's basically saying, 'Hey all you rich Christians out there! God wants you to pay for my pool boy! Send me money and I'll release more shitty religious movies and spread the word of God in the form of more reality TV shows, which, incidentally, I'll also be well paid for.'

Have you ever felt less sympathy for anyone in your entire life? He'd get better PR by launching a website called FuckHaiti.net.

Follow us on Twitter @The_Shiznit for more fun features, film reviews and occasional commentary on what the best type of crisps are.
We are using Patreon to cover our hosting fees. So please consider chucking a few digital pennies our way by clicking on this link. Thanks!

Share This