Ice Wallies

The Apprentice: season 15, episode 2 recap: "Brain Freeze"

Becky Suter

12th October 2019

This has been a burden on my life for a few years now and I have finally got to the bottom of it. Over the past five years I have been posting a series of false stories to see if they made their way onto The Shiznit. And you know what, they did! The story about the ‘Fat Daddy’ fitness video fitness video, the story about the incredibly sexist board game and then the story about about the children’s party business which nearly killed a woman. It’s been tough not keeping these to myself and making comments, especially when it’s Ed’s turn to write an episode and I think of a good pun for the title. However, I had to. Now I know for certain. I have saved and screenshotted all my original stories which clearly show just one person has viewed them. It’s............your mum.

The task

Lord Sugar takes a brief break from offending people promoting non-binary pronouns to tell the candidates they’re making ice lollies, before shuffling off to yell at a cloud.

This may be me getting older, but a lot of the Apprentices this year look very young. Lovely, wide-eyed Kenna looks barely out of pampers, and bless, runs his own ice-cream business already. Naturally, he makes a bid to be PM, so naturally he’ll be getting into the cab at the end of the episode. And then there’s Ryan-Mark - the sassy love child of Michael MacIntyre and Stingy from Lazytown (Google it yourself, I’m busy man) who at 19 years old, has never been fully aware of a world without The Apprentice. He’s seen the shit I write on candidates on here every year (I assume), and he still went for it.

So maybe it’s just youthful inexperience that means they royally balls-up doing something as simple as making ice lollies. Trying to make a premium lolly for a corporate client, they instead make obscene Ann Summers Mini Milks that are so awful, the client refuses to buy them. Still, Claude seems to enjoy them.

I'm too scared to make a joke here

The girls’ team is not that much better. Lubna proposes “Cheesy Cola” as a flavour, made from cream cheese and cherry cola, and every week we stray further and further from God’s light. Although PM Carina nixes this idea, she makes the strange decision to make a retro lolly, made of Liquorice Allsorts and cherry coke , and goes with Lottie’s idea to make a garden-inspired lolly, compete with twigs. Lottie, it should be said, is my new nemesis. Last week, she claimed to be a world-class wine expert but is now protesting that she’s “only a librarian”, which means she can’t be subteam leader and can gleefully push Marianne in front of the oncoming bus that is a boardroom firing. Willing to take all the credit but do none of the work, Lottie continues her game plan of just complaining where everyone is going wrong without doing anything to help.

No one seems to have any actual business nous anymore (if they ever did): it’s almost as if the producers have just cast people who make for ‘good’ TV, rather than their commercial acumen. The boys’ corporate client makes a lowball offer for the penis lollies, which Dean refuses, even though they’ll have a harder time trying to flog them later on. And the girls seem to think negotiation consists of walking away when you can’t agree on price and make the other party sweat, only to return with exactly the same price.

Some contestants do look to possess some semi-decent sales skills, however. Thomas, aka the voice of Jay’s dad from The Inbetweeners in the body of Biff Tannen from Back To The Future, manages to charm some punters with his cockney charm. Pulling someone from the street to their lolly stall, he informs them “You’ve gotta buy three now, ya know that, duntya. Or I’ll fuckin’ cut ya, only kidding!”, as Claude looks on lovingly.

When you've gotta go beat up that butthead McFly, but can't stop thinking about Millwall at home

The boardroom

Somehow, the girls manage to win the task again, leaving Kenna to face Lord Alan’s ice storm. Ryan-Mark, a one-man Greek chorus pointing out everyone’s failings, believe he would have been able to turn it around if he had been made subteam leader, highlighting the fact that Kenna runs an ice-cream company means that he should have excelled. Kenna emphatically claims it’s because he’s never worked with glitter before, and the penis lollies would have looked better had the glitter they added not dissolved, because who doesn’t enjoy a sparkly peen? Think how much Claude would have enjoyed that.
Who got fired?

Despite his best peace-keeping efforts, Kenna’s lack of glitter experience meant he got the cold shoulder, even though Dean walking away from the corporate deal was probably what cost them.
Did he thank him?

No! In what I think could be an Apprentice first, Kenna just gets up and goes without so much as a by-your-leave. However, he later clarified on Twitter he was so gutted that his voice got stuck, and has thanked Lord Sugar for the opportunity via tweet.

Next week: the contestants must forensically search Rebekah Vardy’s account to determine who was responsible for the leak, whilst simultaneously trying to solve the Irish backstop.

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