The LittleBigPicture Children in Need 2011 liveblog

When I was at school, the word 'telethon' was often used to liken someone to the educationally subnormal. Well, NO MORE. It's Friday night, I am of a charitable disposition and I want to give something back. So join me for ... The LittleBigPicture Children in Need 2011 liveblog. Like it says at the top.

Throw some money at Children in Need here.
7.28pm - It's starting in a couple of minutes. I should point out that I have not watched Children in Need or any other telethon for years, and haven't the faintest desire to. I bought three new Blu-rays yesterday and I could be watching those. I could even be out talking to a girl, theoretically. But no, I'm doing this for your entertainment.

7.31pm - It's started. It had not been made clear to me that Fearne Cotton was on this. Might have to rethink the whole project.

7.33pm - Strangely large quiff sported by Zane from One Direction, further cementing his status as this generation's Morrissey.

7.34pm - Wait, why is it raining gold confetti? Can't do that till the end, surely? Or if they reboot The Crystal Maze.

7.38pm - I always find the whole "every penny is spent here in the United Kingdom" line a bit sticky. Basically done to drag in the market of people who don't like sending money to starving Africans on the grounds that people who live nearer them are more worthy of it.

7.42pm - Now, I am aware that I'm likely to hate every minute of this and that my reactions to it are likely to be fairly sarcastic and bilious. Arguably this is churlish and unhelpful to a charity. So I have personally donated a full TEN POUNDS OF ACTUAL MONEY to Children in Need.

Blacked out the donation reference in case you stole my identity. Like in Face/Off or something.

So now I can say whatever I want. Fuck charity!

7.45pm - This Wizard of Oz medley makes me wonder why gay people always seem so happy. Can the Tin Man really be taken seriously in a post-Iron Man world?

7.48pm - "I love Toto," says Alesha Dixon. Hey, who doesn't?

(*high-fives self*)

7.59pm - JOHN CRAVEN BE UP IN THIS BEEYATCH

8pm - How old do you reckon John Craven is? He wasn't all that young when he was reading the news for us while we shouted for him to get off and stick He-Man on.

8.02pm - Shit, he's 71.

8.05pm - One of the newsreaders' dance partners appears to be played by Perry Saturn of WWF fame.



8.18pm - Woman upstairs has taken a break from simply playing loud Spanish music and moved on to playing loud Spanish music and hoovering. Doesn't she know children are in need?

8.20pm - Running a sweepstake on the nature of Wogan's inevitable outfit change later on. I'm saying powder blue shirt and salmon tie.

8.22pm - Why is Michael Chiklis selling cupcakes in Greggs the Bakers?

8.25pm - Never noticed Matt "Dr Who" Smith's resemblance to Michael Palin before. Watch him while he's talking.

8.34pm - We are encouraged to donate towards the upkeep of a children's centre called The Yard. Money is one thing, of course, but if they need more hands-on assistance, my milkshake is standing by to bring all the boys there.

8.35pm - Sorry.

8.42pm - Gareth the choir guy also emphasises that he is glad all the money's going to kids in the UK, like a MASSIVE RACIST. He's no better than Sepp Blatter. Or Goebbels.

8.50pm - Oh, so Alesha Dixon's just buggered off then? There is only one word I can think of to describe her commitment:

9.11pm - Apologies. It came to my attention that human beings need to eat food in order to stay alive, so I was forced to attend to that while watching Gok Wan singing Razzle Dazzle.

9.16pm - I don't recognise any of these EastEnders cast. Where is Gus? I liked Gus.

9.18pm - Whoever the guy is playing the Brian May role in I Want to Break Free just made me LOL a little bit with his hip-hop hand gestures.

9.20pm - THEY'RE GETTING THE RADIO GA-GA HANDCLAPS WRONG

9.40pm - It won't have escaped your notice that the updates are getting less frequent and that my enthusiasm for this project is waning. This is chiefly because I've just discovered that this goes on till 2am. In the interests of full disclosure you must know that there is no way in bloody hell I'm watching it till then.

9.42pm - Oooh, it's Lord Sugar. Shit just got real. Just me or does he remind anyone else of Monkfish?

9.46pm - "What about you, Braveheart?" just earned my second LOL of the night. Sugar wins Children in Need.

9.53pm - Right, official single time. Hey, it's all urban and stuff. Wonder if Wogan was a co-writer?

9.54pm - TULISA MIC FAIL. This is a catastrophe on a par with McCartney at Live Aid.

10.02pm - MORE One Direction. Every time I see them I feel like I should be on the top deck of a bus, trying to pretend I don't notice them throwing chips at me.

10.06pm - Now Tess Daly's doing one like Dixon before her, using the same excuse of having to head off to Wembley to film Strictly tomorrow night. Assuming this is being shot at BBC TV Centre in Shepherd's Bush, I estimate their journey at around an hour, hour and a half tops. I'd be looking to get the Hammersmith & City line up to Baker Street then change for the Metropolitan to Wembley Park. Even with the possibility of delays, they're being pretty generous with their time allocation if you ask me.

10.12pm - There's a chance this might descend into a number of needlessly abusive comments about Fearne Cotton, whom I despise.

10.14pm - YES HER MIC ISN'T WORKING EITHER

10.15pm - Shit, it is now.

10.18pm - "Not a lot of people manage to make Adrian Chiles smile," Arlene Phillips says on the special Buzzcocks episode. We're talking about the same Adrian Chiles, right? The one whose face is constantly set in an oblivious half-grin like a cow being milked and digitally pleasured at the same time?

10.20pm - It's Gus! He actually is still in EastEnders! I was only kidding too!

10.27pm - I was wrong: Wogan's gone with white shirt and black tie with some sort of sparkly effect going on.

10.37pm - Have spent some time on Google Images looking for a picture of Fearne Cotton that satisfactorily illustrates the extent of my dislike for her and all for which she stands. This comes pretty close.



10.40pm - Hello, JLS. (*waves to JLS*) The glittery confetti thing is just getting daft now. They shot their bolt way too early with it.

10.43pm - I have never been able to watch JLS without thinking of JLB-8.

10.51pm - See, the intro to this Hollyoaks song bit poked light fun at the accepted wisdom that they aren't great actors, and they're all fine with it. So how come when I do the same it ends up with OB blocking us on Twitter?



Bloody double standards, if you ask me.

11.02pm - Westlife "insisted on performing for us tonight", says Wogan. Probably had to "insist" with baseball bats and shooters before they'd even return their phone calls.

11.08pm - About eight seconds into their bit, Vic and Bob are already the best thing this evening.

11.22pm - I realise he's doing this in support of the poor and disadvantaged, but Olly Murs really didn't need to wear trousers two sizes too small for him to show solidarity.

11.30pm - Steps! How long I've waited for their return to be marked with a medley of their hits while a British crowd clapped along on the on-beat. Don't ever descend into bitter acrimony and in-fighting and leave us again, guys.

11.41pm - Why no glittery confetti for The Saturdays? Maybe because of those backstage rumours about them and all the raucous pillow-fights, suggestive lollipop-sucking and reaching up to get things off high shelves with exposed midriffs?

OK, there are no such rumours except in my head. I've been doing this for FOUR FUCKING HOURS. Can't you just let me have this?

11.57pm - Wait, here's an actual real proper useful thing. The trailer they debuted earlier for the Doctor Who Christmas special is now online. If you take one thing from this whole experiment, let it be this.

See what I mean about the Michael Palin thing?

12.14am - Won't lie to you: I'm flagging pretty hard here. Eyelids drooping. This fucking Adele song's not helping matters much either. Maybe if I hold my lighter up and sway it from side to side that'll keep me awake.

12.17am - We've reached the stage now where they're repeating a lot of content from earlier in the evening. Here comes the Strictly newsreaders thing again. You can't argue with Wogan's stamina though. The man's been on his feet for about five hours now. Co-presenters have come and gone but he's still going. Most men of his age would be rendered comatose by a mixture of fatigue and Horlicks by now.

12.32am - Here's the video of Lord Sugar on Dragon's Den from earlier.

12.37am - MUPPPPPPPPPPPETTTTS. You CANNOT ARGUE with The Muppets. Ever.

1.01am - Right, Will Young's on and that's just about as much as I can stands. Here to play us out is the official Children in Need song, which I hadn't appreciated earlier is a reworking of Teardrop by Massive Attack, AKA the theme tune to House, so that's pretty awesome in a way.

I think we've all learned that charity can be fun. Well, tolerable, at least. And that under no circumstances should you give money to starving Africans when there are people who live much nearer you who need it too. Clean up your own back yard, Africa!

But let's not end on a pugnacious note. Yes, I would've much rather watched something else tonight; yes, it's an evening of low-end cabaret-style entertainment. But it's good clean fun, the people presenting, producing and organising it are total pros and deserve no end of praise (even Fearne Cotton to an extent), and it's raised about 25 million quid or so for good causes so far.

Doesn't mean I'm going to do this again for Comic Relief, though.