The top 13 beards in 13 Hours

Ed Williamson

4th February 2016

13 Hours, as well as being a sensitive and measured critique of America's role as an interventionist force in the Middle East, draws keenly on the theme of beardedness. What does it mean to be a bearded man shooting stuff in a bloody great war, just as the Western male is becoming culturally feminised on a scale not seen since the noblesse of 17th-century France? This thing has so many layers.

Obviously it hasn't: it's a dirty great big gun-show in which it would make total narrative sense if the actors simply played every scene with their cocks out. Beardedness being a scientific measure of masculinity and the internet consisting mainly of lists, it is doubly appropriate to rank each beard in order of beard as we do below.
13. This guy, who could only manage a moustache like some sort of girl

12. Pornbeard from Orange is the New Black

11. The non-specifically ethnic translator guy with the glasses

10. The bloke with the quite ginger beard who shouts a lot

9. Crazed Islamic Militant Who Hates America #7

8. Karl Marx

7. Your man who Jesse shoots in Breaking Bad

6. Jimmy 'The Badge' Dale

5. This guy although he might be the same guy as 11, you can't really tell them apart after a while

4. Macho Man Randy Savage

3. Delta Operator #1, who admittedly might not have been bearded in the film but is impressively so on IMDb

2. Roy

1. Jim

Jim wins as much because of the element of surprise as anything else. Who knew he had that much beard under his face? God bless you, Jim, and God bless the United States of America.

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