Top 10 Most Annoying Movie Kids: Pt. 2


22nd January 2007

<<< Annoying kids numbers 10-6!

Five slightly less irritating movie kiddiewinkles, just click above!

Now, I know J.K. Rowling wrote him into the books, but what does Ron actually do? What narrative purpose does he serve? If the Harry Potter movies are anything to go by, his only use is comic relief, and by comic relief, I mean gurning the 'gor blimey' face over and over and over again. I know we're on the last book of the series, but please J.K., do us all a favour and kill him off in the most spectacular way possible - have his guts spewed across the entire Hogwarts grounds, have him anally raped by a Pogwaffle, anything. Actor Rupert Grint has to take some of the blame, portraying Ron as the missing link between mankind and ginger freckled lettuce. It takes a lot to make a bowl-headed, speccy twat like Harry look cool, but Grint manages it effortlessly. Imelda Staunton is to appear in the new Potter movie: let's hope she goes Vera Drake on Weasley's arse and performs an extremely late abortion on the miserable twerp.

Most annoying quality: And... action! "Oh bloody hell!" Cut! Another million in the bank for Grint.

Ignoring the fact that Superman's super-sperm would have ravaged Lois Lane's ovaries like battery acid, their sprog is one of cinema's sorriest little children. How can this pill-popping gimp be Krypton's only grandson? With a weak immune system, chronic asthma and a haircut that screams 'wedgie me!', young Jason looks set for a life writing goth poetry on MySpace until it becomes apparent that poor old Kal-El is going to be getting a monthly bill for child support. If Superman were a real man, he'd round up all the floppy-haired little gits of the planet, roll them up into a big squishy ball and punch them into the deepest, darkest recesses of space. As it is, Superkid will probably grow into a noble yet ultimately dull hero like his daddy, instead of abusing his powers in lunch queues and school sports like the rest of us would.

Most annoying quality: Sucking on an asthma pump like it's a goddamn lollipop.

3. TOSHIO in THE GRUDGE movies
Most kids on this list qualify by saying or doing annoying things. Not so young Toshio: all he's been required to do, over four Grudge movies no less, is to sit in the corner, look ill and occasionally meow. The only person who moves less in his movies is Steven Seagal. With a ghostly white complexion and an unfashionable, Beatles-esque haircut, it's no surprise he's rarely seen playing with the other ghosts in the neighbourhood - once they've seen his cat impression, they've pretty much seen all he has to offer. One day in one of the inevitable Grudge sequels, someone is going to have the sense to drop-kick this little shit over a fence or something - it might not break any curse, but it'll give them a few minutes of peace and quiet.

Most annoying quality: Mewing like a kitten with a dog's cock up its arse.

Because Darth Vader never said "Yippee!" When he was a kid, Darth was a badass. He was a miniature, black suited, pissed off ninja of the dark side. Do you remember The Twilight Zone movie where a two year-old kid had the powers of God, and made everyone watch cartoons? Darth was like that as a child, but with lasers, and lightsabers, and heavy pervert breathing. Darth never, ever, said "Yippee!" I rest my case, because I am right, and you know it. Anyone else appearing in a Star Wars movie would have been made for life, but Jake Lloyd probably gets death threats on a regular basis. The authorities say it's illegal, but I send them all the same.

Most annoying quality: Reducing the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy to a wimpy little twat.

The Blues Brothers wasn't a film you could ever imagine aiming for the kiddie market: it's a hard drinking, big swearing, Blues Music chugging, non stop film chock full of nuns, hookers, and smokes? An ideal market for shoehorning in a 12 year old kid, obviously! In the most ill-advised move since invading Russia, Elwood Blues (not known for being the most sentimental of characters) adopts twelve year-old 'juve' Buster Blues as a Blues Brother. Wait... this annoying, idiotic, pre-acne twat transforms from a sub-Edward-Furlong pain in the arse into a Blues Brother? Give me a fucking break. I've heard some dumb things in my life, some real dumb things, but nothing as dumb as Elwood Blues adopting some pre-pubescent criminal as heir to the mighty Blues Brothers empire. It's about as logical as having Rambo pair up with the Goonies as his army of vengeance for Rambo IV: Kindergarten Bloodbath. Thankfully the movie tanked, but that is scant consolation: it should never even have been made.

Most annoying quality: Sullying the memory one of the coolest movies ever.

Mark / Ali

More:  Top10  Kids
Follow us on Twitter @The_Shiznit for more fun features, film reviews and occasional commentary on what the best type of crisps are.
We are using Patreon to cover our hosting fees. So please consider chucking a few digital pennies our way by clicking on this link. Thanks!

Share This