Top 10 Most Annoying Movie Kids


22nd January 2007

Children are not cute as a button. They are not adorable. They aren't the darndest things. They are the sworn enemy of cinema. When they're not toddling around at your local multiplex, spilling Ribena on your jacket and crapping themselves at the scary bits, they've got the bloody gall to actually appear in the films themselves - who keeps giving these little bastards jobs? There's nothing worse than when a big shot producer, having just snorted another line of coke, decides that his movie will benefit from a young 'streetwise' urchin, spouting of-the-moment catchphrases and getting into mildly comical scrapes. Give yourselves another raise, guys! Job well done! Because that's just what cinema needs: more pint-sized little shits ruining our favourite franchises by reading cue-cards like a retard at a spelling bee. How often have brilliant movies been ruined by the introduction of a kid? These ten tykes are not only the most annoying kids in cinema history, they're a waste of good cinematic sperm.

So let me get this right: the CIA have created an indecipherable code that Simon Lynch, a 9 year old autistic kid, has cracked? And the CIA wants to kill the kid? Hell, they didn't even go that far in WarGames. At least offer the kid a job. This isn't Soviet Russia! America is a Black Widow Spider, and it kills its young! This is a premise as thin as a crack-addled Kate Moss and as dumb as a box of hammers. It's nonsensical gibberish hung on a smart alec, preteen McGuffin who's so irritating, America's central intelligence agency is willing to break all protocol to shut him the fuck up. It's a shame the CIA are as crap at shooting as Stormtroopers, otherwise this film might be 100 minutes shorter and 100 times better.

Most annoying quality: Reading puzzle magazines intently.

Yes, Scrappy Doo. Whoever envisaged that the chemistry of the Mystery Machine could be enhanced by a mouthy, immature talking puppy had either taken a) way too many drugs or b) not enough drugs. Nonetheless, the celluloid abortion that was 2002's Scrappy Doo saw The Character Known As The One Who Ruined The TV Show elevated to a strange position: commander of an evil robot, who morphs into Scrappy Rex, urinates on Daphne, and has a farting contest with Scooby Doo. These last two scenes are deleted from TV showings on the grounds of taste, though if truly it was a matter of taste, they would have deleted every scene from the movie. Even kids thought Scrappy Doo was a twat as he proved to be box office cyanide. Possibly the only time you've ever prayed for Matthew Lillard to appear.

Most annoying quality: Ruining an otherwise flawless cinematic gem.

Baleful look? Check. Vacant eyes? Gotcha. Lack of anything resembling human emotion? You betcha! Don't let the fact that Osment is playing a robot fool you; this is what he normally looks like. Directors always shoehorn Haley Joel Osment in when they need a serious kid to add emotionally-detached gravitas, but in AI it backfires, simply because any mother would be glad to leave a goody two-shoes little shit like Osment to rot in a ditch. His is a one trick pony in a one horse town, and this town ain't big enough for the both of us. And its not me that's gonna leave! Bye Haley! Oh, and you have a girl's name! Now he's officially a grown-up, he's grown his hair so he looks like a cross between a extra from Battlestar Galactica and the Autopilot from Airplane. Incidentally his IMDB listing has him performing in Sesame Street 19 years before he was born. Talk about starting them young. That's not child abuse, it's foetus abuse.

Most annoying quality: Pissing himself laughing eating spinach.

Remember the Thunderbirds? A crack family funded by a rich man's egotistic folly on their own desert island, altruistically saving mankind from its own stupidity and nefarious bad guys? Of course you do. Remember any annoying pre-teen kids? No, I didn't think so. That's because back in the 60's, children were considered too silly for television. A modern-day remake was an awful idea for many reasons, but having the actual Thunderbirds indisposed and letting a bunch of pre-body hair kids running around saving the world just takes the piss. Did I hear the sound of Spy Kids being dropped from a great height into a perfectly serviceable, competent plot? Did I hear the sound of money-motivated idiocy fixing what wasn't broken to try and lure an extra handful of cash-rich idiots on their summer holidays? Sure you did.

Most annoying quality: Making us forget Ben Kingsley was in it.

In 1990, he was the adorable little sprite left alone in that big old house. Seventeen years later, he's probably overdosing in a two-star hotel as we speak. If he is, it'd still be seventeen years too late.

Most annoying quality: Slapping on that aftershave. "Aaaahh!"

Annoying kids numbers 5-1! >>>>

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