Top 20 Crazy Bastards


4th October 2007

Top nutjobs 20-16! <<<

One of the more sadistic of Quentin Tarantino's creations, Vic Vega aka Mr. Blonde might be dressed like a dapper gentleman and have a fine taste in music, but he's a cold-hearted, brutal motherfucker. When a diamond heist goes tits up and the gang members who don't get shot manage to escape with an LAPD cop as hostage, they decide to leave Mr. Blonde in charge of the prisoner. Bad bounce. "You can torture me all you want, I won't tell you anything," says the hapless cop. "Torture you... I like that," replies Vega, sticking on Stealer's Wheel (he's the last guy you want to get stuck in the middle with) and going to work on the poor paddy's ear with a cutthroat razor. Apparently, Van Gogh-ing the poor bastard isn't enough, so the sicko douses his plaything in petrol before meeting an end at the sticky hands of Mr. Orange.
Moment of Madness: "It's amusing to me, to torture a cop. All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get."

Mel Gibson's spot in the Hall of Mentalists was assured last year after he went on the mother of all benders (please God let the phrase 'Sugar Tits' stand the test of time) but if you look back on his resumé, you'll see he's played more than a few crazy sons of bitches in his time. Perhaps the most unhinged is Los Angeles rookie Martin Riggs, the cop with a death wish and nothing left to live for. "Do you wanna hear that sometimes I think about eating a bullet?" he asks veteran partner Roger Murtaugh. "Well, I do! I even got a special bullet for the occasion!" Riggs' gun-fellating antics are enough to convince his partner that he's not just "trying to draw a psycho pension" but is indeed a fully paid-up member of the Crazy Cop club. He gets a badge and everything.
Moment of Madness: Lovingly sucking his gun like only the nuttiest police officers can.

Fat, mumbling and unquestionably mental, Colonel Walter E. Kurtz has let the horrors of war creep into that bald head of his. Currently lodging in a delightful little crapshack just off a river in the heart of Cambodia, sweating lunatic Kurtz is a broken man. Gibbering on about snails crawling on razors, it's clear he's a few fries short of a Happy Meal but Captain Willard has to kill the crazy son of a bitch, jungle fever or no jungle fever. Just how much of Kurtz' insanity was the characters and how much was actor Marlon Brando's is unclear; he famously turned up late and drunk to shooting and insisted he was shot in shadow. Method acting, schmethod acting - just hire a nutcase in the first place and you're sorted.
Moment of Madness: "The horror, the horror."

With his black, shark-like eyes, his wife-beater vest and with a pint permanently in his hand, Begbie is nothing else if this: a reminder to never fuck with the Scots. While his waster mates get hooked on the horse and take a one-way trip to junkieville, Francis remains a drug-free temple ("No way am ah poisonin' mah body wi' that shite"), that is if you don't count the rows of Stella he necks nightly. Begbie's passions are booze, burds and fitba, and if you're not on the same wavelength at him, you're a 'doss cunt' and can rightly expect a traditional Glaswegian glassing for your trouble. The kind of friend everyone hates (but no one wants to tell him so), Franco is the unhinged hired muscle with beer flowing through his veins and incomprehensible Scotch mush coming out of his mouth. Pure nutbar, ya ken?
Moment of Madness: Chucking a glass over a pub balcony and then steaming in for the follow-up ruck. "Yaaarghhhh!"

Any twerp can swing around a chainsaw and scare a few teens (Lord knows it always goes down well at my local school's annual sports day) but it takes a special kind of nutcase to become a horror icon. With no motive, no brain cells and no real face to speak of, what you see is what you get - a giant slobbering retard who wants to remove your limbs with his gardening equipment. Perhaps we can blame Leatherface's 'erratic' behaviour on his home life - actually, looking at the twisted family as they sit round the dinner table, chowing down on rotting flesh, there's a very good chance that saw-boy is the brains of the outfit. Nonetheless, Leatherface is the most terrifying of nutjobs; one that has both the lack of humanity and the B&Q vouchers required to cut you down to size in a heartbeat.
Moment of Madness: That final scene, as he swings around trimming invisible hedges with unfaltering enthusiasm.

Top nutjobs 10-6! >>>

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