Valentine's Day TV line-up: a guide for losers

Ed Williamson

14th February 2012

Alone on Valentine's Day evening, in a warm bath with the razorblade inching ever closer to your milky-white wrist, its glinting edge promising the sweet, brief kiss of death and merciful release? Don't worry: TELLY.

The best thing about TV, we can all agree, is that it distracts you from the bleak, meaningless abyss that is existence. Stick on a few episodes of Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman and it'll guide you through the darkest of dark nights of the soul as you forget about the horror for a couple of hours.

TV was built for just such nights as tonight. While your friends and their partners are out somewhere tolerating each other in an overpriced restaurant, you can have the last laugh by staying in and following this TV route to midnight that is guaranteed not to let you remember for a second what a broken shell of a person you've become.
6-7pm: Quantum Leap, ITV4

You can't go wrong with Quantum Leap. This looks like one of those episodes where Sam is challenged by the physical constraints of having leapt into the body of someone highly skilled at something he can't really do, but manages to pull it off and leap just by being awesome. Synopsis:

Pool Hall Blues: Sam occupies the body of a legendary pool player who has just been challenged to a winner-takes-all game against an unscrupulous contender.
Pool. I knew a girl who played pool once. I put my 50p down on the side of the table and our hands touched for the briefest of seconds. We ... no. NO!
7-8pm: Police Interceptors, C5

An ever-reliable hour's entertainment, the good-old-fashioned 'put camera in cop car and watch stuff crash' show. I wasn't altogether sure if this was a drama or a reality show going by this, but I'm pretty sure it's the latter. Let's face it, it'd work equally well as either.

Season 4 Episode 13 of 16: A drunk driver damages one of the team's favourite cars, and Kevin hunts down a horsebox full of illegal plants. Plus, officers are led on a chase across the countryside, Nick and Dee offer an insight into Taser tactics, and a very important visitor arrives in Chesterfield.
My ex-girlfriend Tasered me once. Funny story for another time, actually. I always thought we'd tell it to our grandchildren, but then she left me for a Navy SEAL she met on the nightbus. Why, God, why? Wait ... no, I'm OK. I can get through this as long as I can change the channel.
8-9pm: David Blaine: What is Magic?, E4

Could it Be Magic. That was our song. I ...

Sorry, just give me a minute, OK? No, I've just got something in my eye.
9-10pm: Jo Brand on Kissing, BBC4

Oh, thank fuck.

The comedienne explores whether kisses still have any value, or if they have become too commonplace to mean anything. She researches the history and science of kissing, including the role it plays in the animal kingdom. However, she also starts to question whether her own attitude to public displays of affection needs to change, and decides to seek professional advice on improving her kissing technique - before looking for someone to test her new skills on.
I've forgotten all about women for some reason. What are they again? The ones who are always on about Twilight, right?
10-11pm: Royal Marines: Mission Afghanistan, 5*

YES. There are no women in the world, just MEN and WAR. Go on, men! Win that war!

Season 1 Episode 3 of 6: Dogs of War Film-maker Chris Terrill follows the men of Lima Company as they are joined by sniffer dog Memphis, whose help in locating explosive devices proves invaluable on a mission into enemy territory. The Royal Engineers also have canine assistance in clearing bombs from the old bazaar at the village of Loy Mandeh, but their dog, Vidar, has a fear of loud bangs and his handler has to comfort him after every detonation.
This is going BRILLIANTLY. Now for a film to see me through till midnight and beyond. I'm feeling so good I'll even wait five minutes before it starts.
11.05pm-12.45am: Child's Play (1988), ITV4

Yes, this should do the trick.

The spirit of a serial killer is transferred into the body of a knee-high doll, which embarks on a campaign of murder. The boy who receives the possessed plaything as a present tries to convince his mother of the danger - but ends up accused of the crimes himself. Horror, starring Catherine Hicks, Chris Sarandon, Alex Vincent and Dinah Manoff, with Brad Dourif as the voice of the terrifying toy.
(*sniffs*) This reminds me of Maria. Maria was a serial killer whose spirit had been transferred into the body of a doll. We had one long, incredible summer together. She taught me ... she taught me so much ... and then she DIED. I loved her and she DIED. (*pounds floor in despair*)
See you next year, then. It might all seem a bit extreme but Guardian Soulmates costs thirty fucking quid, you know.

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