Well, this is the worst poster ever


16th August 2012

Some nasty Australian poster designer has ruined the fine legacy of the Resident Evil movies in this atrocious Resident Evil: Retribution one-sheet. What's that? All the films are terrible? Very well then, continue.

Okay, no one was expecting the official poster for Resident Evil: Retribution to be a masterpiece, but even by the franchise's own low standards, this is a post-wipe wad of two-ply toilet roll. It's a poster so astonishingly ugly, the true hideousness of it may not be immediately apparent at first glance. Let's break it down.

Click image for full-size picture

What the fuck is this now? Big Ben has exploded all over a bridge, obviously, and it's fallen in water that doesn't reflect anything. This is from an older poster, which had various national monuments under the banner 'Evil goes global'. Not that you'd know it here.

How busy can one poster be? These drone-like planes are answering that question as loudly as possible. I've heard of unnecessary helicopters but this is ridiculous. Let's not mention that some aircraft further away are in sharper focus either.

Another casualty from the older poster, this expanse of water is supposed to form the evil Umbrella symbol, with blood, I guess. Except, obviously, you can't see it here because Milla Jovovich is standing in front of it, so it looks like a visualisation of her guffing.

Lens flare. How original. It's not even a particularly good one, it looks like the Photoshop filter had a field day. Besides, with all those gloomy clouds building the dank atmopshere, you'd think the sun would be behind them. Maybe it burned the bridge down.

Finally, and sorry to get typographical on your asses, but the tracking in Milla Jovovich's billing is awful and it's placed far too close to the title treatment. It could have gone at the top, but then how would we have know when the ultimate battle begins?

I know it seems like nit-picking, Resident Evil: Retribution poster guys, but hear me out. I have one simple solution that's easy to do, relevant to your movie and a cast-iron way to catch people's attention.

I'll take my $45,000 consultancy fee now, please.

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