What your Peanutize Me character says about you

Matt Looker

24th September 2015

Some clever marketing bods have launched an interactive online tool to promote the forthcoming Snoopy And Charlie Brown: The Peanuts Movie. But this isn’t your usual ‘hilarious’ flashmob video or desperate attempt at a Twitter trend, like that even means anything. This shit will get you self-evaluating like you have never self-evaluated before.

Over at www.peanutizeme.com, you can create a colourful cartoon character in your own image like some omnipotent Schulz-like god bending all of reality to your whim. But how do you go about deciding what you look like given the options? Do you go for smart side-parting, or scruffy bed hair? Shades on or off? Awkward toothy smile or shakey pencil-drawn frown? And I have bad news for you, brondes. It’s time to shit or get off the pot.

What you choose as your Peanutize Me avatar not only reflects your own ideals as a person but exposes some harsh personal truths too. Blazer and smart shoes? What are you trying to hide? What’s that? You went for a bow-tie? You maniac.

Here’s what your character says about you:
The Urban Warrior

Look at you. A one-person mission to fight against the man, using that warped tunnel mouth to spread outrage against the unjust corporate bullshit and wearing shock-coloured hair because no one’s gonna make you fit in no box.

But take a closer look at yourself. Jacket by Topman, shoes from Next and bangles from a Camden town market because you saw that everyone else was wearing them and you wanted to fit in. And look where you are. There are no corporations around you. The only thing you’re rallying against is peace and quiet. Give it up, stop pretending and admit to yourself that you’d probably quite like Costa coffee if only you allowed yourself to go in and order one.
The Suburban Worryer

Grey, lank hair, crumpled plaid shirt and slippers? You have clearly had to deal with a lot of stress in your life. And that sweatband is doing nothing for the beads of perspiration forming on your head as you wonder whether you made the right choices in life. The whole peanutizing process probably took you over an hour.

And you're still worried, aren't you. Even though you have put yourself in front of a happy background, now you're wondering if you're wearing the right thing for a party. No one else is wearing tracksuit bottoms and why isn't anyone dancing with you?
The Baller

Check you out. You are just rocking everything right now, aren't you? 100% attitude, 0% effort. Green puffer jacket? Now everyone wants one. Sunglasses in winter? You make it look sensible.

Christ you even seem completely oblivious to the fact that you are standing on a frozen lake without wearing the appropriate skate wear. Fucking legend.
The Wannabe-Baller

Oh mate. How did you get it so wrong? The hat, the jacket, the school corridor... you're trying so hard to be cool, you might as well be wearing a t-shirt that says "I've made it". Which, come to think of it, would actually be a pretty baller move. Not that you would know that because you're too busy trying to dress like a modern-day remake of the Fonz.

And you know it too, don't you, you anxious bastard. That wavering, crooked smile makes you look like the least confident person in a picture that already contains a tiny yellow bird hiding behind a locker. It's time to give up and resign yourself to buying some corduroy or something.
The Melancholic Loner

Yeesh. Somebody really broke your heart, didn't they? That weak smile isn't fooling anyone - inside, your flame has just completely extinguished, leaving all your dreams and ambitions in a pile of ashes. And this is how you see yourself, isn't it? Standing alone among a group of people having a much better time than you.

That hoodie, that tracksuit, those trainers... are you sure you're comfortable? Can we get you anything else? A box of wine, perhaps? A bed full of stuffed animals to cry into? Ok, ok, I'll leave you alone. You're kind of bumming me out anyway.
The Secret Psychopath

No emotion, no hair, no-fuss clothes, and set against a backdrop of a scorched earth. You have some issues, don't you? Or at least one main issue: the fact that you have an overwhelming urge to skin everyone around you and position the remains into a grotesque orchestra all playing their own organs and muscle sinews as instruments.

I bet you're not even really bald in real life.
It's too late now though, isn't it. You've already shared your new wallpaper and profile picture on every social media platform known to man. There's no going back. People know the real you now, the ugly, soulless you.

Still Snoopy And Charlie Brown: The Peanuts Movie looks fun, right?

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