Who looks most bored on the new poster for The Expendables 2?


16th June 2012

It's the most exciting action movie of the year, featuring an ambulance-full of action heroes, eager to show they can still cut it in the modern world. Why, then, do they all look so bloody miserable?

I dug The Expendables and chances are I'll enjoy The Expendables 2 for the same reason: because watching a group of old-age pensioners creak around a film set out-running explosions and fighting off the Grim Reaper is exactly as fun as it sounds. Here's the final theatrical poster, with its full line-up of hunks on show, minus that woman who accidentally found her way onto the first one. Take a hike, lady!

Click image for full-size picture

Hmm. Something is wrong here. Very wrong. Why is everyone looking so mardy? This is The Expendables 2, not Grumpy Old Men: The Movie. Either there was a chronic outbreak of existential ennui on the set, or no one involved could muster the energy to look even a little badass for the poster. Let's take a closer look to see who's the most disinterested.

Sylvester Stallone is the Expendables ringleader but looks bored out of his skull; either that or he's longing for the sweet release of death.

Arnold Schwarzenegger looks a little put out, like he senses that somewhere, there's a hired help who's not being pity-banged.

Jason Statham has tried a tough guy stare but sailed past 'stern' and landed on 'confusion at maths'. Taught at the Joey school of acting.

Jet Li has been pushed all the way out to the far left of the poster and as such, his attention has strayed to the craft services table.

Dolph Lundgren, disinterested in the poster shoot, has taken to checking his own reflection in his giant knife. Looking good, D-Man.

Bruce Willis is clearly thinking about the cheese sandwich he's going to eat the shit out of later. He's tired. And hungry. Also it's hot in here.

Chuck Norris can't hide his disdain at being relegated to bit-part player. In a rage on his way home, he'll ruin three gay marriages.

Liam Hemsworth is standing so far away, it's impossible to interpret his expression from this small clump of pixels. Maybe he's horny.

Terry Crews gets it. Muscle the fuck up, says Terry. Is this an action movie or ain't it, says Terry. Clench hard, says Terry. I pooped, says Terry.

Also Van Damme is wearing sunglasses to stop us from seeing him rolling his eyes. He's been in more flaming posters than we've had hot meals.

Randy Couture is just struggling with the day to day right now. He feels... empty, y'know? Hollow. Like there's nothing out there. Poor Randy.

The plane is at least showing signs of life by having one of its wings explode. "Whatever, no biggie, I'll just fly it off," it seems to say.

Stallone wins on points. Even his big veiny penis arms look limp.

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