Who's the biggest celebrity cunt in Keith Lemon: The Film?


3rd August 2012

"Prepare to be starstruck!" says the new TV spot for Keith Lemon's new movie. 17 hours after first watching it, I'm still preparing, because this shower of cunts certainly doesn't contain a single star.

I've written about Keith Lemon far too many times to be considered healthy, but this new 20-second TV spot enraged me, managing to cram more pointless celebrities into its brief runtime than even New Year's Eve could manage. Unlike New Year's Eve, however, the caliber of celebrities is woeful: if a bomb went off at Keith Lemon's movie wrap party with all these lot in attendance, Dale Winton's next birthday party is going to be a very sombre affair indeed. So, who's the biggest cunt of the lot?

Who is he? Singer of pop/soul classics like 'When The Going Gets Tough', 'Get Outta My Dreams' and [Error #271D - Additional song not found].

Cunt rating: Let's not start off on the wrong foot, Mr Ocean. I've danced to your aforementioned hits several times and they have pleased me rhythmically. I can only assume you appeared in Keith Lemon's movie because you needed the money. Understandable, but porn probably would have been more respectable. 2/10

Who is he? Silver-haired, dead-eyed sofa jockey and host of This Morning, where he watches old people fucking for a living.

Cunt rating: Phillip Schofield, or 'Schofe' as he likes to be known, is one of TV's 'cuddlier' personalities, which means he's not afraid to have a laugh at himself and playfully suggest threesomes with Holly Willoughby on air. However, I've still not forgiven him for what he said about Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine. 5/10

Who is she? Baby Spice. Duh.

Cunt rating: She's easily the least cunty of the Spice Girls (the order goes: Victoria, Geri, Mel B, Mel C, Emma, obviously) and she's seemingly happy to float around fringes of fame: a reality TV show judging stint here, a dance on ice there, some Saturday Kitchen to pay the bills. Harmless. That hat's a bit cunty, though. You're in a taxi, love, not shooting for Vogue. 3/10

Who is she? Sporty Spice Melanie Chisholm. CHISHOLM.

Cunt rating: The Spice Girl with the most longlasting and substantial music career, which counts both for and against her, Mel C always seemed like the friendliest and funniest girl in the group. That is, until she launched a horrendously ill-advised 'rock' solo career, complete with pierced nose, spiky hairdo and Johnny Rotten snarl, which lasted all of about three weeks before she retreated into Bryan Adams' arms. 5/10

Who is she? Former FHM covergirl, East Ender, Big Breakfast host and panelist on Loose Woman (disclaimer: I have never watched Loose Women, as far as I know it's like Prostitutes Anonymous).

Cunt rating: Denise and Johnny! Johnny and Denise! LOL legends! Yeah, that was 15 years ago. What has she done since? Chicago, a Morrison's ad and The Only Way Is Essex. I like Denise van Outen, because she seems like she'd order a pint of lager because she actually likes lager and not because she's making a point about ordering a pint of lager and only finishes half of it, but my personal tastes don't stop her from at least being a tiny bit of a cunt. She's in this film, after all. 1/10

Who are they? Grotesque, Giger-esque nightmare creations, bred in test-tubes to scientifically prove music and people are shit now.

Cunt rating: If you can stand to be in a room with one or both of Jedward for longer than eight minutes, you deserve to be knighted. Yes, they're young and they're unfailingly enthusiastic about... whatever it is they do, but so help me Jesus, they're a walking, talking advertisement for smacking children. And abortion. And murder. 8/10

Who is he? Comedian and ex-sidekick of Peter Kay, who you can guarantee would have appeared in this film had he not been busy.

Cunt rating: Depends on your tolerance for high-end ITV Saturday night primetime slurry: by all accounts, Take Me Out spirals round the so-bad-it's-good-o-meter until the watchers are so confused they can't find the remote and slump into a coma of acceptance. Is he funny? I don't know. But I do know he guest-hosted The Paul O'Grady Show for a week, where he "interviewed guest stars Emma Bunton and Michael Ball, took part in an assault course and attempted to sew a dress for Bunton at the end of the show." Okay, I'm convinced. 4/10

Who is he? Spunky Australian singer who is ribbed for Jordan's pleasure. He also invented the concept of parental love.

Cunt rating: Once a celebrity appears on I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! it's almost impossible to ascertain how big a cunt they are any more. Do you like them for being good at the tasks or hate them because they're getting paid to be professionally ashamed? Either way, Andre has wrestled back a few points since ditching/being ditched by fanny-on-legs Jordan and has built up a reservoir of goodwill as 'puppydog Peter': Dad Of The Year and singer of eternally naff pop tunes that have roughly the same lifespan and cheese content as a bag of Wotsits. 6/10

Who is he? X Factor pantomime villain, puncher of horses and "the next Elton John" (© a wrong person in 1996).

Cunt rating: You suspect that Gary Barlow is actually an okay kind of guy: an undoubtedly talented musician who managed the difficult job of sharing oxygen with Robbie Williams without committing homicide. However, ever since his promotion to chief X Factor bogeyman, Barlow has been courting the cunty vote in an apparent attempt to join Simon Cowell and Alan Sugar as one of TV's top bastards. I'm not buying it, Barlow - you can't shoot up the cunt ladder without years of hard graft. 5/10

Who is he? British musician, forever confused with Tinie Tempah, due to both men's cute wickle names.

Cunt rating: I'm going to go out on a limb and say that Tinchy Stryder is (probably) a talented rapper and (probably) isn't really much of a cunt at all, and I'm not just saying that because he used to be part of a grime movement called Ruff Sqwad. However, the 'Business ventures' area on his Wikipedia page is almost as long as his Discography and I hate rappers who pretends they're music producers and creative directors at the age of 25. Oh, and only a cunt would call himself 'Tinchy'. 4/10

Who is she? Tit-owner.

Cunt rating: Regular readers of the site will be aware of my willingness to shoehorn in the odd Kelly Brook story whenever possible, no matter how badly it impacts my dignity. Excuse me for being shallow for fancying a beautiful human female. Even though this film looks terrible and she couldn't act her way out of a wet t-shirt, I'm giving her a pass, just in case she reads this and I meet her and get her into bed and my wife says it's okay. "You gave me a 0/10 cunt rating?" she'd say. "That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard. Now, take your socks and pants off." 0/10

Who is he? Hyper-animated TV chef and official Italian entrant to the Stereotype Olympics.

Cunt rating: Like Frankie Dettori before him, Gino D'Acampo exists in a parallel ITV universe, where his comedy gesticulations and 'Manuel'-grasp of English qualifies him as a 'TV personality'. He seems like a perfectly lovely fellow, who'd cook your Mum dinner and politely fend off her clumsy advances (sorry Dad, but your mashed potatoes just haven't been cutting it lately), but I have no idea why anyone thought having Gino D'Acampo in a theatrically-released movie was a selling point. 2/10

Who is he? Ex-Boyzone warbler, responsible for selling millions of awful records and the resulting popularity of Louis Walsh.

Cunt rating: Ronan's public persona would have you believe he's a cheeky, harmless lad from Dublin who loves his ma and is partial to burbling the odd pop tune. But we know better. Boyzone, possibly the worst boyband ever assembled, made the musical equivalent of explosive diarrhea, and as if that wasn't enough, Keating cheated on his wife of 14 years with a backing dancer. The only thing he's got going for him is that he isn't Shane Lynch. 7/10

Who is he? Amenable Australian pop Joseph, who doesn't even show his face in this film for long enough to fit in a 20-second trailer.

Cunt rating: I can't stay mad at you, Jason Donovan. Though his brand of non-threatening eunuch pop was about as exciting as an MDF festival, Donovan was one of the first pop stars I ever heard swear, a little while after his fame had died down, and I remember thinking 'If I ever compile a list of cunts, I'll make sure you're near the bottom, mate'. However, he did shoot himself in the foot somewhat by making those Iceland ads, where he had to pretend to be excited while pointing at a prawn ring. 3/10

Who is he? TV presenter and Bolton-born twat with all the charisma and natural charm of a shoehorn.

Cunt rating: For a man who has never uttered a single syllable that has ever been considered funny, clever or interesting, Vernon Kaye has forged quite the career on ITV primetime, hosting a variety of shows watched by students, shut-ins and the infirm. Famously described by Charlie Brooker as "TV's village idiot", Kaye cemented his status as a clueless dildo by exchanging 'sexts' with a glamour model despite being married to BBC harpy Tess Daly. You gormless cunt, Kaye. Being from Bolton does not qualify as a talent. I bet you a tenner his contribution to this movie consists of looking over a menu, furrowing his brow and going 'Guh?' 8/10

Who is she? ITV's flagship female, able to face a testicle examination with just as much zeal as a triple axel.

Cunt rating: Philip Schofield's sexy sidekick on This Morning, Holly is the quintessential FHM cover star: a large-breasted, confident woman who is funny and self-deprecating and probably rather lovely, but totally at the mercy of her paymasters who insist on showing as much of her tits as is decent. She'd score lower on the cunt-o-meter, but for her insistence on encouraging Keith Lemon week-in, week-out on Celebrity Juice. He must have compromising photos of her or something. 3/10

Who is he? Mini-Me.

Cunt rating: Life must be pretty hard for an actor of Verne's stature: he's never going to get offered the roles Daniel Day-Lewis is getting, is he? This means he's almost exclusively offered comic relief parts where he must either be picked up or dropped, or trapped in a tumble dryer. You can't really blame him for appearing in trash like this (or The Love Guru, or Postal III, or Peter Andre: My Life), and he did at least make Big Brother more exciting when he tried to drunkenly kill himself on air. 5/10

Who is she? Voice Of Da Yoof Radio 1 DJ, capable of bringing any interviewee down to the intellectual level of an 8-year-old.

Cunt rating: Another one of Keith Lemon's Celebrity Juice accomplices, Fearne Cotton's ubiquity has fast seen her labelled one of Britain's most annoying celebrities, thanks mostly to her ability to patronise any guest (to Morgan Freeman: "I'm Fearne Cotton. As in cotton picking"). She's no stranger to the world of movies, having walked the Oscar red carpet for Sky1 in 2009, when she called Michael Sheen "Martin". 6/10

Who is he? Leathery old figure of fun, who is still convinced driving a talking car in the '80s and running around in red shorts in the '90s constitutes as fame in 2012.

Cunt rating: Any ITV show with a celebrity guest spot has had David Hasselhoff on their books at some point. The man simply isn't wired to admit he has no discernable talent, other than graceless self-parody: the amount of pisstakes he's endured over the years must mean his soul is worn down to a nub. There's no joking about his recovering alcoholism, but that video of him drunkenly shoving a burger into his stupid gob is the most honest and interesting thing he's made in 30 years. 9/10

Who is he? Possibly the biggest cunt in the world.

Cunt rating: One of the most obnoxious people ever to breathe air, Chris Moyles is a spectacular waste of skin: an untalented, boorish hack whose only claim to fame is that he is louder and has a more sycophantic posse than anyone else on radio. Unless you count that time he made a joke about Auschwitz. Little more than an oversized bully with no ear for music, comedy or talent, 'Moylesy' has been polluting the airwaves for too long. His appearance in Keith Lemon: The Movie is his crowning achievement in the field of being a cunt. The cunt. 10/10
Conclusion: Keith Lemon is the biggest cunt for having all of these other cunts in his movie. Here endeth Cuntology 101.

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