Why I Hate... Kids


24th July 2005

"Little children should be seen and not heard." Whoever said that was clearly a kiddie-fiddler. Talking cinema, I can certainly appreciate the second bit - I've lost count of how many times I've fantasised about lining up small, noisy children at my local multiplex while I unload my nail gun through their little unblinking faces. It's the 'children should be seen' bit that rankles with me. I'm pretty sure all of us used to be children at some point (I'm not a professional biologist), therefore I can understand that child actors are merely young humans on their way to full-blown adulthood, where the delights of drug abuse and sexual harassment cases reside. But, damn it, I just can't help but lose my rag every time a movie feels the need to give a little kid a part that involves more than a few fleeting seconds of screen time, or, God forbid, a line of dialogue. Kids, on the whole, cannot act. If they could, then Broadway would be bursting with toddlers and visiting your local theatre would be like attending a paedophile convention.

Before you open your word hole an attempt to shoot me down before I've even really had a chance to get angry, I admit there are exceptions. The Goonies. Stand By Me. Natalie Portman in Leon and Christina Ricci in The Addams Family. These are the exceptions to the rule. You could say Dakota Fanning is pretty good at what she does, but think about it - all she does is play KIDS. If she's such a brilliant actress, then why doesn't she tackle a role like Queen Victoria, or Mother Theresa? Huh? Instead, I have to watch these child actors prance around the screen like fully-formed miniature adults, and listen to them spout pretentious bullshit in interviews about how they loooved the director and had such fun on set and Tom Cruise was sooo nice and it was a really challenging role and where the hell's my god damn nail gun when I need it?

Nope, kids just have to go. Ask anyone what they hated most about The Phantom Menace, Jar Jar aside, and they'll tell you it was little Darth junior. Here we have the most evil dude in the universe as a child - you'd expect him to be giving his schoolmates space wedgies and posting Bantha poo through his neighbour's letterbox, right? Nope, this little cutie-pie has a floppy hair cut, a winning smile and confuses Padme for an angel, the dumb little fucker. The delivery of the line 'Yippee!' is singularly the most bile-inducing line of dialogue in the history of cinema, and pretty much everything else that comes out of the tiny wee assclown's mouth isn't trailing too far behind. It's not just limited to Star Wars either; you'll find the annoying little buggers ruining most film genres out there, each and every one of them a mescaline fiend in training. How long before Dakota Fanning hits the crackpipe? The reason you haven't heard from Haley Joel Osment in a while is because he's probably slumped in a hotel room in downtown LA, a bloated, purple corpse, covered in vomit, burnt hair and surrounded by coked-up whores. That, or he's studying for his SATs or something, I don't care.

My solution? Children should be neither seen NOR heard. All families in film will be childless, giving them more money to spend on cool things like cars and massive televisions. Characters having sex in movies need not worry about pregnancy and can carry on humping like horny teenagers. Paul Ross will have to think of another poster quote other than 'fun for all the family', because they'll be anything but - without children in them, movies will be free to be harrowing dramas involving guilt-free fucking, inventive and offensive swearing and glorious, blood-drenched violence. Sounds great, no? Once a child hits the age of thirteen, they will be allowed brief roles in school comedies, but only on the condition that they are relentlessly beaten up and abused by older bullies. Female actresses will be granted induction into full-blown movies when they turn legal and begin to grow firm, juicy bosoms, which will alleviate the kind of guilt you felt while watching Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap. You filthy bloody pervert.

Sadly, I feel my ideas are too ahead of their time and the angry letter I wrote to Hollywood entitled Fuck The Kids has so far not received a response (although the police are always hanging around outside my house for some reason). I feel like I'm destined to endure a life of foetus-filled movies, Oscar-winning infants and preteen-packed cinemas - why does no one else share my beliefs on child genocide? I can only assume you're all kiddie-ogling baby molesters and will continue to think so until someone starts to listen to my genius plan. Kids: why don't they just grow up?

Next week: why I wish the elderly would hurry up and die. Ali

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