Bad news for lovers of tits and fish

Oscar-hopeful Piranha 3DD has had its theatrical release canned and is heading straight to DVD, which is terrible news for lovers of trashy horror films but great news for people who hate getting boners in public.

I loved last year's Piranha 3D, and not just because it had Kelly Brook's tits rendered in eye-popping 3D. There were loads of other reasons too, I just can't think of them right now. The screenplay was really tight and bouncy. The acting was firm. The special effects were the tits. Also I think there was a motorboat in it at some point. BREASTS.

Shame, then, that the ingeniously titled sequel, Piranha 3DD, will no longer get a theatrical run in the UK and will instead go direct to DVD. Aboooo. Its predecessor was total trash but in the best possible way - not in a wink-wink, nudge-nudge, aren't-we-ever-so-hip-to-play-with-conventions-like-this sort of way, but in a genuinely lowbrow, crowd-pleasing way: boobs, blood, gore and Ving Rhames shouting at CGI fish. Job done.

The sequel is set in a water park and stars Cerie from 30 Rock, David Hasselhoff, Gary Busey ("I play a farmer. A cow explodes because of its farting ability and out of it come hundreds of piranha, raining down on me"), Paul Scheer and lots of women in bikinis, running in slow-motion.

Given all the information above, I'm mysitfied that Piranha 3DD won't be seen in British cinemas, or whether it'll be released in 3D for its DVD/Blu-ray release, thereby reaching that exclusive home entertainment market of rich masturbators with 3D TVs and no dignity.