Dakota Fanning heading to Todd McFarlane's Oz?

Attention easily outraged readers! A classic of cinema is in the process of being defiled! A man who makes toys for a living is 're-imagining' The Wizard Of Oz, but - wait for it - he's making it 'darker'!

With news on Princess Diana being thin on the ground recently, The Daily Express have picked up (or 'made up') a story claiming Spawn creator Todd McFarlane has been given the go-ahead to make a quasi-sequel to The Wizard Of Oz. Dakota Fanning will reportedy star.

You can see some of McFarlane's twisted Oz character designs here. What a creative genius. Anyone can take a classic franchise and add whips, gas masks and dildos. Wait until you see my plans for Casablanca Redux.

Apparently, the new Oz is the brainchild of producer and dirty anagram Basil Iwanyk, who revealed: "It will be set in the present day and feature Dorothy's granddaughter." One Warners executive claims, "It'll be much darker and more action-packed." Because the 1939 original was pretty low on explosions and cutting scenes.

What no one at The Express seemed to mention was that McFarlane's vision of Oz mostly features Dorothy in bondage gear being whipped by Munchkins in gimp masks. Fanning is only 15 - she's really taking that 'darker direction' seriously. What with this and Hounddog (aka Rape Movie), Fanning is really setting herself up for a spectacular A-list abduction which is sure to capture the hearts and minds of Hollywood.

Another point that's seemingly been forgotten is that there has already been a 'darker' sequel to The Wizard Of Oz, called Return To Oz. And it's fucking awesome. I still have nightmares about those damn Wheelers.