I guess I should say something about Jurassic Park 4


14th January 2013

I'm sure by now you've already heard the news, but as the internet's second most enthusiastic Jurassic Park fan (go extinct already, Gary) I feel I should clarify my official statement regarding the announcement of a June 2014 release date for Jurassic Park 4. My statement is as follows: (*faints theatrically*)

Shit. It's really happening. This is a reality I now have to live in. I'd better start formulating my opinion on Jurassic Park 4, because in about 500 days, it's going to be an actual thing showing in actual cinemas featuring actual dinosaurs. Universal have announced that JP4 - or JUR4SSIC P4RK, as I'm calling it from now on (actually, forget it) - will hit cinemas on June 13th, 2014. That's next year. NEXT YEAR. Shit. It's really happening.

My head started swimming at the news. Steven Spielberg will produce, but not direct, although the recent delay in production on Robopocalypse isn't helping rumours he'll 'do a Peter Jackson'. According to the internet equivalent of a 'concerned onlooker', JP4 will be shot in native 3D. The screenplay is being written by Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver, of Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes fame. These are things we know. What we don't know is which dinosaurs will fight each other and WHY. Therein lies a world of possibilities of -saurus on -saurus action.

Of course, it could be terrible. It could easily be terrible. If someone asked me to write a terrible Jurassic Park movie, I'm pretty sure I could do it no problem. So what to think? Should I be excited? Terrified? Excitified? If I've learned anything from watching HD repeats of Friends on Comedy Central, it's that Chandler thinks I should make a pros and cons list to help me decide how I feel. (I think Jurassic Park 4 is Rachel in this analogy).

  • It's a new Jurassic Park movie. And that's brilliant, obviously. Even a bad Jurassic Park film - and, let's face it, there have been two of them - is better than a film that doesn't feature dinosaurs. I understand those exist.

  • It's been 12 years since the last one. No one felt the need to rush out an inferior sequel. The dust has settled on The Lost World and Jurassic Park 3. Lessons have been learned. There will be no gymnastic children or talking raptors.

  • Steven Spielberg is producing. Conveniently ignoring the fact he 'produced' Jurassic Park 3, the idea El Beardo will be roaming the set, doing that frame thing with his fingers, is reassuring indeed.

  • It's not a remake. Meaning we never have to read the words 'Starring: Channing Tatum as Dr Alan 'G-Money' Grant'.
  • It's a new Jurassic Park movie. And that's troubling, obviously. The franchise has been getting exponentially worse. You suspect that in the field of films about theme parks populated with dinosaurs, what can be done has been done.

  • It's been 12 years since the last one. Blockbusters have changed. Attention spans are shorter. CGI is cheaper. People are stupider. Does Jurassic Park still have the same audience appeal as before? I mean, yes, of course it does, but still.

  • Steven Spielberg is producing. Not directing. In fact, no one is directing right now, yet there's a release date set in stone. Magic movies are not made this way. Transformers movies are made this way.

  • It's not a remake. Meaning we'll never get to read the words 'Starring: Channing Tatum as Dr Alan 'G-Money' Grant'.

  • In conclusion, I love dinosaurs and am basically Ross from Friends. Goddammit, this information doesn't help anybody.

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