In times of trouble, we can all find solace in an awful Tintin poster


10th August 2011

The London Riots will not dampen our spirits. We will club together and mock awful movie posters, because THIS IS THE INTERNET and WE SHALL NEVER SURRENDER!

Steven Spielberg and his army of elf animators are trying to convince us that the mo-cap animation in The Adventures Of Tintin is cutting the edge of the cutting edge, but they've posted a turd through the internet's letterbox with this new poster. Haven't they heard of the phrase 'less is more'? This is a poster overdose. It looks like it's trying to please three different time-zones at once.

In the inimitable, snarky fashion that has fast become my internet trademark (patent pending), here are five things wrong with it. (*snorts*)

Click image for full-size picture

How many colour schemes do you friggin' want? This takes the tan/teal colour blend to the kind of extremes usually reserved for limited edition Pringles. Black and blue, blue and orange, orange and blue... Pick a colour, dudes. It's only the sky.

We meet again, Giant Floating Heads from the Space-Filling Galaxy. On the right here is Captain Haddock, presiding over the sky like Mufasa, only the blu-ish tint he's fading into makes him look a bit Na'vi. The Thompson Twins just look bored.

WHAT IS HAPPENING. A sea-plane fires upon an upturned boat with Tintin and Haddock on it, on the crest of a wave crashing into a burning pirate ship in the desert chasing ANOTHER Tintin getting some sweet air on a bike. My eyes just threw up.

Artist #1: "It's a great poster, I just think it needs something to set it off... something with flair." Artist #2: "Wait a minute... flair... flare..." (*in unison*) "LENS FLARE!" Great work guys, you rocked the hell out of that Photoshop layer effect. Take the afternoon off.

Behold, the reason why Tintin has been kept in the shadows in all of the marketing thus far: his hideous, squat, pig face. I knew he reminded me of something, but it finally just twigged. The ginger hair, the round cheeks, the cocky stare...

Is this what you want to subject your children to come October?

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