It's nothing like that, say actual night managers

Night managers of UK hotels have reported that scenarios requiring them to infiltrate the organisations of rogue arms dealers are rare.

"It doesn't come up much if I'm honest," confirmed Darren Moxey of Hexham Premier Inn. "Mainly I just do sudokus.

"Once I had to prise open an old couple's window because it was stuck and they were too hot to sleep. And last year I had to change the battery in the smoke alarm on four because it was beeping every thirty seconds.

"No, we don't get a lot of emotionally damaged American ex-models in, shooting me sexually charged glances. Once we had a hen do stay and they made me dance with them in the foyer. But one of them knocked over the umbrella stand and I had to ask them all to go to bed.

"They grabbed my name badge and wouldn't give it back."