Kutcher still alive, able to procreate

My plan to hypnotise a drifter into murdering Ashton Kutcher has failed, it seems. That's the last time I base a death plot on something I learned in the Paul Daniels Magic Annual 1983.

As Ashton Kutcher continues his relentless trundle towards TV screens, like a slow-spreading but potent strain of Ebola virus, details are emerging (more accurately they emerged some time ago but it takes months of shock therapy before I can so much as type his name) of the role he'll be taking on Two and a Half Men, set to premiere on 19 September in the US.

He'll be playing internet billionaire Walden Schmidt, who is broken-hearted and wants to buy Charlie's Malibu beach house. The Charlie character will be killed off as we previously reported like we're an actual news thing, and this video manages to both give more information and render it wholly incomprehensible all at once. It seems to suggest that he'll be blown up in a 'meat explosion'? On the Paris subway? Or something? I don't even ...

Didn't warn you about the singing at the Teen Choice Awards, did I?

This is one of those things where some girl barks at you in front of a backdrop to introduce a snippet of near-news about a third-rate show. Then I paste it in here like that's somehow more worthwhile. Hey, at least she gets paid. Good on you, um ... Kelli Zink? I live in a world where that's a name?

Then Kutcher went on Letterman and said: "I think it's going to go through the roof." In a FUCKING bow tie.

And I found myself thinking at one point: "He's actually quite likeable, you know." Then I stopped and stabbed myself in the thigh with a fork. You can't afford to let thoughts like that creep in. That's how he gets you.