New Conan is Baywatch's finest

Finally, it's the casting announcement everyone's been waiting for. Oh wait, no it isn't - it's the announcement of an actor from Baywatch Hawaii in a remake no one asked for. But will it be successful? (*Baywatch drums*)

Remaking Arnold Schwarzenegger movies without Arnold Schwarzenegger is always destined to fail: because there's no actor on Earth that can mangle the English language like the Austrian Oak. (Anyone who saw him on-stage at the Golden Globes introducing "Chames Cameron's Avodar" knows exactly what I mean).

Anyway, the decision was made long ago to revitalise the character of Conan - arguably one of Arnie's weakest 'franchise' characters - but there's been little news on casting up until now. Latino Review have revealed that the man to don Arnie's furry horns is...

Jason Momoa.

Yeah, us too. Underwhelmed? Frankly, I barely felt whelmed at all. Apparently, Jason Momoa has appeared in Stargate: Atlantis (which at least means my Mum has heard of him), Baywatch Hawaii and something called Johnson Family Vacation, alongside Cedric The Entertainer. There's no doubt he's learned his craft from the best in the business.

Surf lessons for 20 dollars... Whatever, bra. I'm so high right now.

New Conan will be directed by Marcus Nispel - he of equally underwhelming Texas Chainsaw reboot fame - and will start shooting in eight weeks' time. Lame? Consider this: Brett Ratner was at one point attached to direct. Also, you know some studio douchebag tried to contact Taylor Lautner's people. Shudder.

As for this announcement? I'm not suggesting that Lionsgate orchestrated the news to coincide with Conan O'Brien's final appearance on The Tonight Show to capitalise on Google searches. I'm not, but if you look closely, in a way, you'll see I'm actually saying exactly that.