New Judge Dredd movie renamed Dredd, is still ridiculous

The new Judge Dredd movie has a new cast, a new title and a synopsis, yet it still sounds thoroughly unbearable. You can practically hear the critics writing up their 'Dredd-ful' puns already. Like I am.

"I am dur lerrr!" yelled Sylvester Stallone's Judge Dredd, at precisely the same time his career nosedived down Hollywood's U-bend. Not to worry, Dredd fans, because the Judge will be making a return to Mega City One in a Karl Urban-fronted reboot that's sure to be called dark and visceral in a press release like the one below.

I've got news for you, nerds. The reason the Sylvester Stallone Judge Dredd movie stank like your grandma's nappies wasn't because he took his helmet off, or because it starred Rob Schneider. It was because Judge Dredd is a character and concept far better suited to the pulpy, inherently ridiculous comic-book than it is to a movie. Try to flesh out roles that are 2D in origin and you just get camp, not cool.

I've had it up to here (*levels hand at crotch*) with 'dark, visceral' reboots, or anything labelled 'gritty'. Why is that like a badge of honour? You know what else is gritty? This handful of grit I swiped from my neighbour's driveway. Impressed? Didn't think so. Neither is my neighbour.

The Punisher is another 'gritty' comic-book property that's impossible to nail on the big screen, and they took three cracks at that one. Why do we have to pretend Judge Dredd is absolutely a character that has to be in a popular movie? The only way I'll entertain Judge Dredd in a movie is he if makes a cameo in Yogi Bear and vapourises Boo-Boo.