Stop! Transformers 3 update!


14th May 2010

Things are happening in relation to a movie about fighting robots! Read the words and feel better about your shitty life!

Having reassesed Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen recently on Blu-ray, I've come to the conclusion that I was obviously high as balls when I awarded it four stars. Overlong, overloud and ridiculously over the top, it felt like a huge inflatable parody of a movie; one that had become so bloated, it had burst its moorings and floated off into some idiot sky.

But Transformers 3? Bring it on! What could possibly go wrong!

First off, a move in the right direction regarding casting. Alan Tudyk, aka Firefly's Wash aka Dodgeball's Steve The Pirate, has joined the cast. He's sidling up next to new recruits John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and Patrick Dempsey, plus series regulars Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox. Wait, what? It's like the Coens went brain-dead halfway through a casting session.

Next comes the welcome news that the so-called 'Minstrelbots' from ROTF, Skids and Mudflap, won't be making an appearance in the threequel. Now I didn't find them particularly offensive first time round - at least, not in that way - and I'm not sure you can be an alien and a robot and a racist at the same time. That said, I won't be shedding a tear for them. I will, however, be burning a cross.

Finally, Shia LaBeouf has been flapping his lip at Cannes, claiming that Transformers 2 "got out of hand". Slow hand clap for the young man.

"When I saw the second movie, I wasn't impressed with what we did... There were some really wild stunts in it, but the heart was gone...we got lost.

"We tried to get bigger... Mike went so big that it became too big, and I think you lost the anchor of the movie... You lost a bit of the relationships. Unless you have those relationships, then the movie doesn't matter. Then it's just a bunch of robots fighting each other."
Er... isn't a bunch of robots fighting each other what everyone actually wants to see? We just want to be able to tell what the fuck is going on. In fact, "A bunch of robots fighting each other" was actually the entirety of the original script.

Seriously. Four stars.

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