27 Dresses

Romantic comedies like 27 Dresses are the filmic equivalents of fashion magazines that devote whole pages to pictures of pretty people wearing expensive outfits - the star and the clothes are the real draw here, the movie itself is almost an afterthought. You may or may not care that Katherine Heigl plays a perennial bridesmaid who's been down the aisle 27 times but never as a bride. This is extraneous information that just gets in the way of the clothes. Let's have a gander down the rom-com checklist to see what criteria 27 Dresses fulfills:

Gorgeous lead actress who inexplicably can't find a man?
That'd be Katherine Heigl, the E! network's new Jesus. This chick could literally take a dump in her hand one day and all the magazines would be showing you how to do the same thing on a budget the very next week. In an effort to make her appear dowdy and unnattractive, she's always rushed off her feet and bedraggled. And her character name is even 'Jane'. Ugh.

Unsuitable love interest who's obviously wrong for her?
Oh yeah. Ed Burns, playing Heigl's boss. Never. Gonna. Happen. The only time Ed Burns actually gets the girl is when he dreams he gets the girl. Even then that's no guarantee.

Unavoidably perfect male friend who is odds on to end up winning her heart?
Say hello to James Marsden and his winning cheekbones. Even I'd fuck this guy - it's so beat-you-round-the-head obvious that he's the groom to her bride.

Sassy, slutty but ultimately wise best friend with about three lines?
Judy Greer, doing what Judy Greer does best. Actually, it's the only thing Judy Greer does.

Montage?
You'd better fucking believe there's a montage.

Pretty clothes?
You'd have to ask a girl, but yeah, I guess. There's certainly lots of them. Hence the title and all. Heigl looks good in all of them, which kinda removes the point of them being goofy.

Pedestrian direction, script and storyline?
Well duh.

Saccharine sweet happy ending?
No, actually. Heigl's character dies in a car crash before she can tell James Marsden that she loves him. Only kidding. Have you even seen a romantic comedy before?

27 Dresses is formulaic, predictable and unoriginal, but romantic comedies would be burned at the stake if they didn't follow the strict guidelines above - it's almost kinda fun seeing it hit all of its marks. Girls, these kind of movies tend to get your motor running and we know Heigl is some kind of deity to you people now, so there's a fair chance it'll be your favourite movie this year. Boys, know only this: there is a good chance of sex if you go and see this movie. Just as long as you don't go see it alone. No, that would be unwise. Ali