My Bloody Valentine 3D

Director    Patrick Lussier
Starring    Kerr Smith, Jaime King, Kevin Tighe, Jensen Ackles, Betsy Rue
Release    16 JAN (US) 16 JAN (UK)    Certificate 18
4 stars


17th January 2009

A few months back, I reviewed a film called Scar 3D. It sucked, not only because it was a terrible movie, but because it was a terrible waste of genuinely exciting technology - 3D specs have been around for yonks, but it's only now that films are being /shot/ in three dimensions. Aside from a cool scene with 3D tits, I argued that a dumb exercise in torture porn was "no better in three dimensions than it would be in two" and bemoaned the lack of 3D blood spurts, slashy knives and spooky men jumping out of cupboards.

Looks like someone's been paying attention.

My Bloody Valentine 3D is everything Scar 3D wasn't: fun, entertaining and a great use of the available technology. Honestly? It's a total fuckin' blast. Different audiences expect different things from horror in the 21st century - some ask for cerebral scares, others want something post-modern, most want guts 'n' gore - but when a movie is trailed with the tagline, "Nothing says 'Date Movie' like a 3D ride to Hell!" there's really no excuse for expecting anything other than a ruddy bloody shlock-fest.

A quasi-remake of the unmemorable 1981 slasher of the same name, My Bloody Valentine 3D sees a small mining town terrorised by a pickaxe-wielding nutjob in a gas mask. Back story, shmack story - all the unimportant plot guff is dispensed with in the opening credits (which look great in 3D) and the gouging starts just a few minutes in. Director Patrick Lussier has a mixed record - he worked on all three Scream movies but also directed famed turd White Noise 2 - but he's well-versed enough in horror lore to know what people want.

What we want is glorious gore, an iconic bad guy, cheap thrills and dirty kills, and My Bloody Valentine 3D delivers on every count. The new tech is a godsend - every kill, of which there are many, is fully optimised to have that extra kick in 3D. Pickaxes are frequently lobbed in the audience's direction; cool POV shots get you closer to the gore; at one point, a character points his rifle directly at you - it's undeniably cool. Kudos too on the choice of weapon: you'd think there was only one way to kill with a pickaxe, but you'd be wrong. Our favourite is the bit where the killer nails a midget to the ceiling. Oh yes.

Thank Christ for directors who understand what horror is supposed to be - nasty, grimy and a little bit naughty. I previously stated that this 3D tech is most likely to benefit the porn industry (for obvious reasons i.e. perverts) and I was proved right when up popped a sex scene - a proper, naked one. Sure, the seventies-era slashers probably bred a generation of maladjusted young men who equate tits with death, but hell - at least they had the balls to go all the way. MBV3D goes some way to recapturing that grindhouse style: this ain't your little brother's candy-ass 12A slasher.

Honestly, if movie studios want people to quit downloading DVD rips off the net and have them flock to their nice big cinemas, then they need to make more films like this - it can only be appreciated in larger-than-life 3D, and preferably with a large audience present. Usually, I despise fellow popcorn-grazers and fantasise defiling them with my own pickaxe. Not so here; you'll all jump, flinch, laugh and scream in all the right places. Yes, My Bloody Valentine 3D is as cheap, tacky and throwaway as the plastic glasses that come with it, but for a good old-fashioned Friday night at the movies, it's damn near unbeatable.

More:  Horror  Slasher  3D  Thriller  Sex  Violence
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