Dammit War Horse, I will NOT let you make me cry


4th October 2011

Empire have a new trailer for Steven Spielberg's War Horse, which looks totally lame. Now if you'll excuse me, my ocular muscles are emitting salty liquid unrelated to emotions.

I'm just the kind of hardened cynic who talks big and kicks sand in the face of the smaller movies to hide my insecurities. Whisper it, but I'm actually a gigantic sap who cries at almost anything. I even cried at the end of Short Circuit, when it looked like Johnny Five had died. He was alive! More alive than you ever were, Skroeder! (*sobs*)

War Horse is just the kind of movie that knows exactly how big a sap I am, and aches with every sinewy inch of its body to yank on my heart-strings. CRY, YOU FUCKER, CRY, it'll yell, playing my emotions like an accordion. Screw you John Williams, with your magical compositions. Honestly, If a man of any other profession tried his hardest to make you cry every single time you witnessed his work, he'd be labelled an asshole.

Oh god... THE HORSE WAS SO BRAVE. I mean, it only survived The First World War, and it's not like it saved Halloween or anything, but it's still a pretty good achievement for a horse. I really hope there's a scene at the end where it turns back to the little Northern boy and does a CGI wink. GIVE THAT HORSE AN OSCAR, they'll say. You'll see.

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