Robo-tard trailer clash: Transformers 3 versus Real Steel

If you got an inexplicable hard-on while watching Robot Wars as a child, chances are you're due a big, fat, rubbery one any second now: trailers for both Transformers: The Dark Of The Moon and Real Steel have arrived.

Which is the more retarded robot movie: Transformers: The Dark Of The Moon, or Real Steel? Until this morning, we had no idea; we had to consider them both worthy of the most leaky-nosed mouthbreathers. But now the trailers are out? Let's contrast and compare! Pencils at the ready!

I'll go ahead and start with Transformers: The Dark Of The Moon. Wow. And this is Michael Bay "toning down the goofy stuff". If 'Bearded Robots on the Moon' isn't considered goofy, we're in for another treat on par with 'Robot Heaven' and 'Racist Minstrelbots'. I always knew that Neil Armstrong was hiding something. What an asshole.

Spaz rating: 8/10

Shawn Levy's Real Steel isn't based on a childhood toy like Transformers, except it clearly is, because this is Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots by any other name. Also, it has the added bonus of Hugh Jackman yelling "BRRRRIIINGG IT!" to a boxing robot, which not every movie can boast. There are so many things I don't understand about the concept of men controlling boxing machines, I'm just going to shut off my brain and try not to die.

Spaz rating: 9/10



So there you have it, folks: Real Steel will be 2011's robot movie of choice for the cinematically-challenged. I feel smarter already.