Latest TV News

Channel 5 drops Justified amid concerns it was good

TV News | Ed Williamson | 15th January 2014

Channel 5 today announced that it had no intention of broadcasting season five of Justified, having come to the conclusion that it was really very good and therefore not in-keeping with the channel's ethos.

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Eastenders women to explain attraction to Max Branning

TV News | Ed Williamson | 17th June 2014

The women of Walford are being questioned by a parliamentary select committee in a bid to understand why they keep getting off with a bald, middle-aged used car salesman.

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Hammond "started Top Gear fracas then ran away"

TV News | Ed Williamson | 10th March 2015

The BBC has confirmed reports that Richard Hammond provoked the fracas between presenter and opinion-fabricator Jeremy Clarkson and a Top Gear producer. He then ran behind Clarkson and at intervals poked his tiny head into view to say "Yeah!" while the larger man conducted the argument. When the altercation turned physical he did little except aim a kick at the producer when he was on the ground and then back away hurriedly.

Hammond, 45, was asked to present the show in Clarkson's absence but, on realising none of his bigger mates were around, only went red and mumbled something about how he got loads of girls and his uncle owned a BMX factory. James May refused on the grounds of being literally incapable of anything.

Clarkson was predicted to end up doing really well out of the whole thing somehow and to have his cause tirelessly championed by people who think speed cameras are enforced by Sharia law or something.

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Joy as Lautner beard revealed to be shit

TV News | Ed Williamson | 7th August 2014

There was much rejoicing today as a picture from Cuckoo's second season revealed that Taylor Lautner looks an absolute weapon with a beard. As long as he doesn't take his shirt off we've got one over on him, lads.

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Wesley Snipes pilot "definitely won't go tits-up"

TV News | Ed Williamson | 23rd February 2015

Wesley Snipes's TV pilot, Endgame, definitely won't go to shit in a shopping trolley, insiders say.

"There's no safer pair of hands in the business than Snipes," said an NBC executive. "If you want someone to show up on time, be content with the modest rider laid on in his trailer and get on famously with the creative team, that's Wesley. That's why I didn't hesitate to personally approve his casting.

"Hot in here, isn't it? I feel like it's hot in here."

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Jambo still in things

TV News | Ed Williamson | 10th February 2016

Jambo is still in things, a promotional picture for Line of Duty season three has confirmed.

Kurt Benson was believed not to be in things as we went to press.

A spokesperson for Bazz FM said her client was unavailable for comment, leading to speculation that Bazz FM might be in things again soon, possibly a Taggart reboot.

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Noel Edmonds knows secrets of existence, is still game-show host

TV News | Ed Williamson | 5th August 2015

Noel Edmonds has revealed in an interview with the Daily Mirror that human beings do not in fact die, and are composed only of energy. The corporeal form is merely a host for this energy, which becomes "part of a massive, incomprehensible universal web of energy" on its expiration.

"There isn't such a thing as death, it's just departure," he confirmed. "You cannot die. It's been known for a very long time."

Meanwhile, sufferers worldwide breathed a sigh of relief as Edmonds assured them that Aids is not a problem at all.

"
"
The biggest problem we have is not Ebola, it's not Aids, it's electro smog.

The Wi-Fi and all of the systems that we are introducing into our lives are destroying our own natural electro-magnetic fields. All you are is energy, remember that.
In full knowledge of the secrets of the cosmos and the meaning of existence, Edmonds continues to present a game show in which contestants open a series of red boxes.

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Government to use Sean Harris to deter internet porn users

TV News | Ed Williamson | 5th August 2013

In the latest of a string of ruses to stop people looking at porn, David Cameron has successfully lobbied Britain's top internet service providers to use an image of actor Sean Harris as a deterrent.

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New Eastenders family to keep mainly to themselves

TV News | Ed Williamson | 24th April 2015

Eastenders today announced the arrival of new family the Lees, and confirmed that whatever big storylines are in store for them are largely irrelevant as they'll be conducted behind closed doors like most people's are.

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Hardy to get knob out on CBeebies

TV News | Ed Williamson | 6th April 2017

Tom Hardy's popular stint on Bedtime Stories is to end with a series finale in which he just shows you his penis.

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