Review: Total Recall

From what I gather due to the half-hearted outrage surrounding the existence of this remake, the original Total Recall is held in fairly high esteem. Never saw it, sorry. Go ahead, say it. I know you want to. "YOU HAVEN'T SEEN TOTAL RECALL?" Sorry, just never got around to it. "HOW CAN YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN TOTAL RECALL?" Like I just said. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN TOTAL RECALL!" And so on. As it happens, not being on familiar terms with the original Arnoldgeddon puts me in the unique position of being able to judge Len Wiseman's reboot without bias; nowhere in this review will I bemoan the lack of/inclusion of beloved one-liners, the fact Colin Farrell isn't fit to buff Schwarzenegger's pecs or that it isn't set on Mars. My slate is clean, so I'm free to see Total Recall 2012 for exactly what it is: a bright and shiny slice of blockbuster sci-fi that's so dazzling it makes tender love to your retinas but so underwhelming it practically wipes itself from your memory the instant it's over.