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Review: A Cure For Wellness

Posted by Ali Gray at 17:30 on 21 Feb 2017
A Cure For Wellness
A while back, I used the pun 'Shitter Island' to describe John Carpenter's horror comeback The Ward during a Halloween liveblog. As with all my puns, I reserve the right to reuse them whenever I want, so I'm recycling this one in honour of Gore Verbinski's A Cure For Wellness, another cliched asylum-based horror thriller. More like Shitter Island, right guys? Haha, good one Ali.

Republican still fine-tuning metaphor that likens Trump administration to plot of Beauty & The Beast

Posted by Ali Gray at 22:00 on 19 Feb 2017
Republican still fine-tuning metaphor that likens Trump administration to plot of Beauty & The Beast
A Donald Trump fan is continuing to work on a metaphor in which he compares the Trump administration to the plot of the popular Disney movie Beauty And The Beast, although he admits he "hasn't quite nailed all the moving pieces just yet".

If 2017's Oscar-nominated movie posters told the truth

Posted by Ali Gray, Matt Looker, Neil Alcock, Becky Suter, Ed Williamson at 11:30 on 24 Jan 2017
If 2017's Oscar-nominated movie posters told the truth
The mainstream media is full of fake news. Hollywood is full of failing celebs, who don't even know me. If the big movies this Oscar season, which I hear are very overrated, told the truth, they'd look like this. Sad!

Review: Sing

Posted by Matt Looker at 22:00 on 24 Jan 2017
Sing
I can't tell you how long I have been waiting to take my two-year-old son on his first trip to the cinema. Well, actually, I suppose I can. It's been two years. Obviously. But that wait finally came to an end with this movie, one which I thought might be an appropriate introduction to the big screen for him because a) it's about singing cartoon characters, and b) it wasn't written by Seth Rogen. Of course, I was still fully prepared for failure. Expecting a toddler to stay still and quiet in a chair surrounded by strangers for nearly two hours? Surely impossible. And yet, that's exactly what he did, while fixated on the movie. So whatever I say in this review from now on, know that my son – easily closer in age to the target demographic than I – rates it 10 out of 10 choo-choo trains or whatever.

Review: xXx: Return Of Xander Cage

Posted by Ali Gray at 23:00 on 19 Jan 2017
xXx: Return Of Xander Cage
One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2017 was to watch more movies I wouldn't normally watch, with the intent of broadening my cinematic horizons. Little did I know, the first invite to plop into my inbox would be for xXx: Return Of Xander Cage, an action movie so extreme that it doesn't even have the time to include the definitive article in its title. I have never walked out of a movie, but the closest I've ever come is during the first xXx in 2002, around about the time Vin Diesel's buff Generation X-er snowboarded down an avalanche on a tea tray. I assumed that in his absence, Cage had been hitting the books, ready to return older, wiser and woke. But then the movie opened with xXx jumping off a TV transmitter and skiing through a jungle, so I guess I'll be putting off the broadening of my cinematic horizons until another day.

Review: Split

Posted by Ali Gray at 22:45 on 19 Jan 2017
Split
Some actors go their whole lives without being offered a role as tasty as James McAvoy's character in Split. You've heard of roles being described as "scenery chewing"? In Split, M Night Shyamalan basically builds his sets out of beef jerky and invites McAvoy to tuck in. It's full-on Willy Wonka. As kidnapper Kevin who suffers from dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities to you, me and I), McAvoy effectively has free reign of a buffet comprised of equal parts cheese, ham and bananas.

Review: La La Land

Posted by Matt Looker at 08:00 on 12 Jan 2017
La La Land
Please let's not ruin this. We have a great thing here: La La Land is the rare kind of spellbinding, wonderful film that has reviewers like me tripping over themselves to find new superlatives for describing it. It's simply flawless. But that means that there'll be an unholy inclination by some #hot-takers to put it down; to chip away at the film's perfect sheen just to say something "interesting". But can we just not, this time? Can't we just have this one? Don't we deserve to enjoy something this sweet and pure and lovely just for once? It certainly feels like it's been a while.

101 reasons 2016 wasn't quite as shit as we all thought it was

Posted by Ali Gray, Matt Looker, Becky Suter, Ed Williamson, Rob Young at 20:00 on 30 Dec 2016
101 reasons 2016 wasn't quite as shit as we all thought it was
It's almost over. You almost made it through. You survived 2016. You deserve a medal, but that medal would probably strangle you. We can all focus ahead now on 2017, a year which cannot feasibly be any worse than the 12 months that came before it, at least until that new Keith Lemon & Paddy McGuinness TV show airs on ITV. But le...

Flowchart to help you decide what is and isn't a "Christmas film"

Posted by Ali Gray at 16:38 on 24 Dec 2016
Flowchart to help you decide what is and isn't a "Christmas film"
With the year's Ghostbusters argument well and truly won by masculine internet men, they need something new to protest against. It seems the new issue facing Men's Rights Activists the world over is this: is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Choke on that, Christmas: I've taken your polite festive holiday and I've thrown a swearing Bruce Willis in it! But is it technically a Christmas movie? The only way to tell is with this flowchart, which uses science to determine exactly which films qualify as Christmas films.

Review: Passengers

Posted by Ali Gray at 23:00 on 19 Dec 2016
Passengers
Passengers is a sci-fi with an easily adaptable premise: what if, on the 120-year journey through space to colonise another planet, you were the only person on your spaceship to wake up? You can imagine dozens of versions of this movie. The Werner Herzog version is slow and considered and intimate and depressing and everyone dies. The Michael Bay version is huge and costs a billion dollars and has bikini models in zero gravity and it turns out the spaceship is evil. Nestling uncomfortably in the halfway point between the two is Morten Tyldum's Passengers, a shiny spin on Jon Spaihts' screenplay that can't decide if it's a blockbuster or a character piece and ends up being neither.
Out this week
+Sing (U)
Our review
+T2 Trainspotting (18)
+Hacksaw Ridge (15)
+Christine (15)
+Denial (12A)