The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies is released today on DVD and Blu-ray meaning that we can all finally enjoy, not just the Hobbit trilogy, but Peter Jackson's entire Tolkien saga in our own homes. So who wants to join me in a movie marathon that could end up outlasting time itself?
Because it can't all be about Star Wars.
Posted by Ali Gray
at 22:00 on 16 Apr 2015
STAR WARS! WAR STORES! TRAMOPOLINE!
A woman near me straight-up cried at this. Call me a burnt-out husk of a man with a tin heart if you will, but I couldn't see what at. Because musical involves the naked outpouring of expository emotion through song, there is a built-in conduit for stirring up this sort of feeling, and its largely comprising big orchestral numbers with powerful maintained high notes naturally raises forearm hairs and moistens eyes too. Where musical really succeeds is in having real heart behind the bombast, though, and there's not enough of it on show in The Last Five Years.
"Directed by the stunt coordinator of After Earth, here is a story about an implausibly named man who goes on a revenge rampage after criminals kill his dog. Starring The Lake House's Keanu Reeves." As sells go, this really could have gone either way.
Posted by Ali Gray
at 23:30 on 13 Apr 2015
People think the Oscars marks the end of awards season in Hollywood, but people are stupid and ugly and wrong and old, because the MTV Movie Awards happened over the weekend and it sure looked like they were giving out awards to me. With Selma actor David Oyelowo suffering more heartbreak with defeat at the hands of The Maze Runner's Dylan O'Brien
and Jennifer Lopez triumphing in the 'Best Scared As Shit Performance' category, it was an evening of high tension and very serious drama. Join us as we expose a leaked document that reveals the categories already selected for next year's 2016 Movie Awards, hosted by, I don't know, Drake or something.
"Hey girl, I made a surreal scary nonsense film because I’m a tortured, sensitive artist. Want to watch it with me? I think you’ll like it. It’s got loads of symbolism about, like, women and sex and monsters and theatre and street lighting. And there’s funny dancing in it. And lots of fake blood. And fire. And lots of bright colours. And a scene where Doctor Who cuts off someone’s lips with a pair of scissors. Want it see it, girl? Hey girl. Hey. HEY. Aww." (*Looks into the distance with sad, longing eyes while lifting up t-shirt to reveal chiselled abs*)
The sight of a middle-aged man in a trilby is hard to bear. Particularly when it isn't accompanied by what you judge to be any other changes in his regular attire: just a single hat, borne as a standard on the scalp, saying, Will this do? Am I cool again? The cycle of youth makes us all obsolete sooner or later, and it's hard to accept. And while there's a dignity to aspire to in Don Draper, defiantly immaculate in sports jacket and tie at a party full of hippies, can you blame a man for wanting to get back what he had when he can't pinpoint when he lost it?