The Asylum is back, and this time it's shilling two turds with one groan. Both superhero films AND live-action fairy tales get the rip-off treatment in a film that has little to do with either. But where there's scantily-clad actresses and Lou Ferrigno, there's hope and wonder to be crushed. SPOILERS.
Posted by Ali Gray
at 22:40 on 26 Apr 2015
The first Avengers movie broke records when it scored a fucking massive domestic opening weekend of $204.7 million fucking dollars, but sequel Age Of Ultron looks like it might make even more fucking money than that, with a fucking astonishing take of $201.2 million fucking dollars internationally - and that's before the fucking thing has even fucking opened in America.
Avengers: Age Of Ultron is in cinemas this week, hooray! The Marvel Cinematic Universe is now so large it feels like it needs its own transportation system to navigate it adequately - that's our terrible segue for introducing our very own Marvel-themed Central London Tube map, created for reasons we can't quite remember!
Now that everything is at least 140 minutes long, I applaud any film that does its thing for an hour and a half, gets the job done then fucks off home. The content of those 90 minutes is irrelevant really. It could be a dead goose for an hour then a man eating a Bounty for the rest. So well done, The Salvation, Danish western that you somehow are, for not hanging around too long. And for being generally all right in a forgettable sort of a way, too.
For how much longer can superhero films rule the box office? Everyone's waiting for comic-book movies to implode, and while it probably won't happen with one disastrous misfire that has a big Comic Sans 'Ker-dunk!' hanging overhead, this second Avengers assembly would seem like the logical start of a more gradual decline. After all, genre fatigue is already setting in, and The Avengers' USP - superhero all-stars teaming up for one mega-big movie - is no longer a fresh, never-before-seen idea. Just in terms of living up to the sheer excitement levels of its predecessors, Avengers: Age Of Ultron would already seem like a failure.
The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies is released today on DVD and Blu-ray meaning that we can all finally enjoy, not just the Hobbit trilogy, but Peter Jackson's entire Tolkien saga in our own homes. So who wants to join me in a movie marathon that could end up outlasting time itself?
Because it can't all be about Star Wars.
Posted by Ali Gray
at 22:00 on 16 Apr 2015
STAR WARS! WAR STORES! TRAMOPOLINE!
A woman near me straight-up cried at this. Call me a burnt-out husk of a man with a tin heart if you will, but I couldn't see what at. Because musical involves the naked outpouring of expository emotion through song, there is a built-in conduit for stirring up this sort of feeling, and its largely comprising big orchestral numbers with powerful maintained high notes naturally raises forearm hairs and moistens eyes too. Where musical really succeeds is in having real heart behind the bombast, though, and there's not enough of it on show in The Last Five Years.
"Directed by the stunt coordinator of After Earth, here is a story about an implausibly named man who goes on a revenge rampage after criminals kill his dog. Starring The Lake House's Keanu Reeves." As sells go, this really could have gone either way.