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The 24 maddest moments from Gerard Butler's Pentagon press conference

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 16th October 2018

Because global politics isn't weird and backwards and horrifying enough right now, Washington reporters gathered together yesterday afternoon for a Pentagon press conference, not to ask questions of President Trump, or his press secretary Sarah Sanders, or even White House advisor Stephen Miller, the Salacious Crumb to Trump's Jabba. No, today's speaker would be Gerard Butler, actor and star of forthcoming submarine thriller Hunter Killer. Perfectly normal, just another normal day, nothing to see here, so normal it hurts.

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I don't know about you but I'm reading that Liam Neeson horse story again

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 15th October 2018

This is it. This is the content I crave. The world is a horrible place, full of racist demagogues and insidious politicians and hordes of idiots and hurricanes, but the news that Liam Neeson thinks a horse recognised him from a previous movie somehow makes everything okay. Liam Neeson doing horse whispering is the salve on the gaping wound that is 2018. Shhhh. Everything is going to be fine. Let's read it again, together.

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The nine most embarrassing X-Men marketing fuck-ups

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 12th October 2018

You can always count on the X-Men for a laugh. While the Marvel marketing machine runs like a well-oiled machine and the DC marketing machine is basically a Xerox of the Marvel machine, the Fox marketing machine is more like a dodgy office printer, old and busted and producing wildly erratic and inconsistent results because no one really knows how to use it properly. The X-Men franchise is arguably the biggest name in superhero cinema - so why can't Fox ever seem to sell the movies without, excuse my language, fucking up like cack-handed twats?

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A special Shiznit investigation: which food is acceptable to eat on a train?

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 1st October 2018

Earlier this week, an unforeseen event shocked me to my very core. My good friend and colleague Matthew Looker, a professional and a family man, contacted me to inform me of some most distressing news, and he had pictorial evidence: a woman on his packed commuter train home had begun eating a whole melon with a spoon. Not melon chunks, you understand. An entire, spherical melon. No sooner had the perpetrator finished carving the guts out of the melon, satisfying her own perverted craving for flesh, she began carving up a second melon. The carnage was only contained when the carcasses of the large fruits were stored in a Tupperware lunchbox and removed from the theatre of conflict. Regardless, it was clear: the rules had changed, and none of us in the Banter Squad group chat would ever be the same again.

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20 exciting and totally achievable ways the DC Universe can rebuild

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 17th September 2018

The DC universe is broken. Henry Cavill is done with Superman. Ben Affleck is too goth even for Batman and reportedly wants an escape route. Wonder Woman accidentally became the most successful one and now all the men at the studio have no idea what to do with her. And Aquaman... exists. Forget whatever humanitarian crises the Fake News Media are pushing on you this week: we need to focus our efforts on figuring out how to fix these adult manbaby movie franchises, and STAT. These 20 ideas to fix the DCCU by yours truly are a start, but frankly, I'm not hearing anything coming from your end. Is this thing even on?

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Analysing THE SHEER INSANITY of a day in the life of Mark Wahlberg

Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 13th September 2018

Mark Wahlberg is most unlike you or I. For starters, he's a rich and famous celebrity, who is so rich and famous and blessed with over-confidence he can get away with inventing hypothetical scenarios whereby he averts the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and face almost no backlash. His career trajectory is uniquely insane, running the full gamut from teenage thug to white rapper to underpants model to Hollywood actor to hamburger magnate. And despite his obvious handicap of looking permanently like he's not sure what floor his lift just stopped at, Wahlberg is inexplicably popular, not just with people who go and see movies with titles like 'Max Payne' and '2 Guns', but with actual, credible filmmakers like Paul Thomas Anderson, Martin Scorsese and James Gray. He's one of a select circle of actors - including Adam Sandler and Nicolas Cage - who can lurch from atrocious dreck to proper cinematic fare without even changing his facial expression.

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A comprehensive timeline of Wesley Snipes trying to make Blade 4 happen

Movie Feature | Matt Looker | 5th September 2018

In 2012, the rights to Blade reverted back to Marvel, meaning that MCU head honcho Kevin Feige is able to finally achieve his original goal behind creating his cinematic universe in the first place: to greenlight and release Blade 4, starring a 56-year-old Wesley Snipes.

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Marvel's Cine-CHAT-ic Universe: Thor (2011)

Movie Feature | Matt Looker, Ali Gray, Becky Suter, Ed Williamson | 3rd September 2018

Marvel's Cine-CHAT-ic Universe is back! After last covering Iron Man 2 back in... holy shit, November? It's been nearly a year? Ok, it's about time we brought this back to continue our efforts in discussing each of the MCU films in turn, now finishing before our NEW deadline of Avengers 4. That should be fine. Just fine. Quick, let's talk Thor!

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TIL: Tom Selleck and Jamie Foxx are rival avocado-farming neighbours

Movie Feature | Matt Looker | 29th August 2018

It sounds like it should be the plot of a terrible movie, or the basis for a terrible sitcom, but i promise you, it really is just terrible real life.

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Am I Coen crazy: Raising Arizona (1987)

Movie Feature | Matt Looker | 28th August 2018

My casual, long-term project of watching all the Coen Brothers’ films in order has stepped up a gear after just one film thanks to finding out that The Big Lebowski is being re-released at the end of September for its 20th anniversary. And if I can’t time my retrospective to coincide with everyone else’s in that week then really I miss my only opportunity to make any of this appear relevant.

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