Mandy Moore is on holiday and she's going to do some shark cage diving, despite it being the most nakedly awful idea two skeevy Mexican guys you'd just met in a bar could propose. She is the sort of person who is persuaded by friends to go to Glastonbury, knowing she will spend every minute unable to enjoy it for worrying where her tent is and whether her phone is sufficiently charged, but goes along with the whole grim jamboree because not to would mark her out as "no fun". She is, in short, eminently sensible and exactly like me, except that she actually makes it out of the hotel in the morning, rather than sitting hungover in her pants eating room-service waffles and watching Friends on Mexican TV.
I don't want to write off an entire category of cinema, but... war films. They can be a bit heavy-going, can't they? Yes, there are some amazing standouts in this crowded genre, but it can be really hard to muster up the enthusiasm to watch a movie depicting the experience of war, which is basically: it's truly horrifying when not intensely boring. Luckily, things are different this time round, because a) Christoper Nolan films have never not been great, b) it's mercifully short at under two hours, and c) maybe there'll be a twist and the soldiers of Dunkirk will get rescued by Batman?
As someone who has barely seen the first Cars, and who actively and selfishly steers his son away from knowing that a sequel even exists simply because I’ve heard it’s not very good, I am clearly not the best person on the Shiznit staff to review this film. No, that honour goes to Ali, who, for the past two years, has an unfinished article sitting in the site admin area entitled "What I've learned from Cars 2 after watching it 200 times". Yet, here I am, ready to impart my own unique viewpoint on the latest instalment of Pixar’s most-derided franchise. You ready? Here goes: It’s… alright?
The real monsters are inside us, you know. For example, there’s a demon that lives inside of me that comes out after approximately 3 glasses of Chilean chardonnay. Aside from my semi-serious drinking problem, It Comes At Night teaches us that any external creepy threats are nothing compared to the horrors at home. Yeah, think on that.
Posted by Ali Gray
at 10:00 on 07 Jul 2017
The Apes franchise has followed a pretty predictable release pattern thus far: they arrive with nary a fanfare smack bang in the middle of summer blockbuster season and subsequently smash the low expectations they set. Rise
were both sleeper hits, but War For The Planet Of The Apes brings with it a little too much baggage. Hung heavy with the weight of expectation, it is a largely bleak and downbeat affair: if this is to be the climactic part of the Apes saga, it feels like a graceful and dignified exit, but you can't help but think it could have gone out with more of a bang.
The tech-firm thriller seems to have supplanted the gangster movie as the modern-day American Dream story. Exploit free markets with entrepreneurial spirit, cut a few corners, hubris, rise and fall, regret, redemption. By now I thought we were past the point of techno-cautionary tales which ask whether the internet is a good or a bad thing, largely because the @dog_rates Twitter account has proved beyond all doubt that it is the former, and yet here we are.
Posted by Ali Gray
at 07:00 on 03 Jul 2017
Let's just re-establish The Boss Baby Clause
from earlier this year: Despicable Me 3 is a kids movie, and it was watched in the company of a kid, and it was enjoyed by said kid, thus to me, it was a successful movie. Writing criticism of movies patently not made for you is a fool's errand, but we're all professionals here, so let's try and engage the critical faculties and fire up a review for old time's sake. Despicable Me 3 is... fine? I guess? Let's say yes.
Following his glorified cameo in Captain America: Civil War
, everyone has been wondering exactly how how Marvel will reboot the character in his own solo outing. No one wants to see another bitey radioactive spider, but how do you tell an origin story without actually telling the origin story? Is he definitely part of the ongoing Marvel timeline forever more? Can he suddenly slot into the meticulously planned MCU? Basically, is the title correct? Is Spider-Man really coming home?
If you haven't seen the Book Of Henry trailer
, I urge you to watch it now. It shows a whimsical family drama about a genius kid looking after his mum and little brother, making them realise the value of real love until... FUCK Dean Norris is evil! Is he a killer? No time to find out because Naomi Watts is now running around with a sniper rifle! Clearly someone somewhere hasn't worked out how to properly market this film.
Except they have. They really have. This is the exact film of that trailer.
Posted by Ali Gray
at 00:50 on 21 Jun 2017
Michael Bay finally did it: he exploded history. Not content with retconning the dinosaurs in the last part of his ever-growing Transformers universe, Bay has now officially changed the course of human history. The Last Knight not only rewrites Arthurian legend (myth, history, whatever), it puts an Autobot spin on World War II, the mystery of Stonehenge and even Stephen Hawking, via scenes that stretch from the depths of outer space to the bottom of the ocean. It's a miracle there isn't a scene where we find out Jesus was a robot too: the Crucifixicon. It is, I shouldn't have to say but will, an extraordinary payload of absolute horseshit: a Buster Gonad-style wheelbarrow of bollocks that will leave you flabbergasted as to how incoherent, lazy and contemptuous it is. I should say, however, that I haven't laughed so much in a cinema in years.