Recent Features

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  • The Apprentice: season 15, episode 6 recap: "The Vomit Comet"

    TV Feature | Becky Suter | 7th November 2019

    Nothing good ever happens at theme parks. The last time I went to Thorpe Park was on a corporate away day, when instead of going on any rides, we were forced into groups and do a painful team-building exercise around the park. In a rather unsettling act of fate, it was the same day that there was the horrific accident at Alton Towers on the Smiler ride. During the debriefing session, the head of HR stood on the stage and made a pretty off-colour joke, as we were trying to present how the treasure hunt aligned with the company’s business principles, which was trying not to acknowledge the fact that two of the (married) managers were clearly trying to get off with each other. This has nothing to do with this week’s recap, much in the same way that The Apprentice has very little to do with business.

  • The Apprentice: season 15, episode 5 recap: "Ryan, Lion, Zion"

    TV Feature | Ed Williamson | 3rd November 2019

    This week I had a breakthrough: I realised that the one person I thought was called Riyonn-Mark is in fact two people, one called Riyonn and one called Ryan-Mark. Stay tuned to find out whether there's another one called Mark.

  • The Apprentice: season 15, episode 4 recap: "Vicious Cycle"

    TV Feature | Becky Suter | 28th October 2019

    I don't own a bike, mainly because I'm not a massive wanker, but also because I believe that the rules of the road apply to everyone, unlike overweight marketing managers who think they're Bradley Wiggins and look like un-pricked sausages in the latest Team Sky kit, who scream at me when I dare to use a pedestrian crossing in the correct manner and slow down buses because they can't stay in one lane. But yeah, great, let's get more bikes on the road.

  • The Apprentice: season 15, episode 3 recap: "Toys Toys Toys, I'm Looking for a Good Time"

    TV Feature | Ed Williamson | 20th October 2019

    Ooh, a race row, this ought to give the whole thing a much-needed positivity shot in the arm.

  • The Apprentice: season 15, episode 2 recap: "Brain Freeze"

    TV Feature | Becky Suter | 12th October 2019

    This has been a burden on my life for a few years now and I have finally got to the bottom of it. Over the past five years I have been posting a series of false stories to see if they made their way onto The Shiznit. And you know what, they did! The story about the ‘Fat Daddy’ fitness video fitness video, the story about the incredibly sexist board game and then the story about about the children’s party business which nearly killed a woman. It’s been tough not keeping these to myself and making comments, especially when it’s Ed’s turn to write an episode and I think of a good pun for the title. However, I had to. Now I know for certain. I have saved and screenshotted all my original stories which clearly show just one person has viewed them. It’s............your mum.

  • The Apprentice: season 15, episode 1 recap: "The Cape of No Hope"

    TV Feature | Ed Williamson | 6th October 2019

    They're all here again, and again, and again. The token posh guy and girl; the cockney salesman who's the most self-aware and grounded but startlingly aggressive whenever he has to sell anyone something; the gold-star recruitment consultants who ironically have no understanding of the sort of personality likely to win over potential employers. I wish they weren't. I wish it would all stop.

  • Maybe the real Love Island is the friends we made on the way...

    TV Feature | Becky Suter | 29th July 2019

    Love. Above all things I believe in love. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love. Every time I say it’s going to be different, I won’t get in too deep. Don’t fall for it, Becky: it’s infatuation, not love. Empires have fallen, glacial caps have melted and I’ve been oblivious to it all. I’ve fallen for the charms of Love Island. I've gone full factor 50.

  • Men In Black: International was released and every critic made the same joke

    Movie Feature | Matt Looker | 8th July 2019

    Attention filmmakers! If your movie franchise contains a unique narrative device that also serves as easy ammunition for critics to use in the event of a bad review, don't kid yourselves that they'll rise above it. They'll latch on to that reference like it's a personal gift from you to them. Thank you, they'll say. Thank you for making our jobs and deadlines easy. Because that's what good film reviews should be. Easy.

  • My trip to the Stanley Kubrick exhibition by Luke Whiston age 38 and a half

    Movie Feature | Luke Whiston | 3rd July 2019

    The late Stanley Kubrick is often considered to be a visionary genius filmmaker, who by all accounts was also an obsessive pain in the arse. But that didn't stop Hollywood's biggest names wanting to work with him, because he was a visionary genius filmmaker. And thank God he was such an obsessive, hoarding decades of research and correspondence, otherwise the new exhibition celebrating his films at The Design Museum in London would have been pretty barren and that would have been well embarrassing.

  • Secret Cinema Presents Casino Royale is 00-heaven, has a license to thrill, etc

    Movie Feature | Matt Looker | 20th June 2019

    Spies! Guns! Booze! Cars! Booze! If you have ever wondered what the point is of Secret Cinema’s immersive film screenings, or have ever asked yourself why anyone would ever be interested in inhabiting the world of, say, Dr Strangelove, then surely that cynicism ends for this latest 007-themed production. Because who hasn’t imagined themselves as the sharpest, sexiest superspy on the big screen? Who hasn’t wanted to indulge in the frisson of international espionage? Who hasn’t wanted to pretend-win a game of make-believe cards while sipping a themed cocktail named after an obscure Bond reference? This is exactly the kind of cinema that Secret Cinema was made to be secret about!