Recent Features

Sort by: Most Recent | Most Popular
  • The 24 maddest moments from Gerard Butler's Pentagon press conference

    Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 16th October 2018

    Because global politics isn't weird and backwards and horrifying enough right now, Washington reporters gathered together yesterday afternoon for a Pentagon press conference, not to ask questions of President Trump, or his press secretary Sarah Sanders, or even White House advisor Stephen Miller, the Salacious Crumb to Trump's Jabba. No, today's speaker would be Gerard Butler, actor and star of forthcoming submarine thriller Hunter Killer. Perfectly normal, just another normal day, nothing to see here, so normal it hurts.

  • I don't know about you but I'm reading that Liam Neeson horse story again

    Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 15th October 2018

    This is it. This is the content I crave. The world is a horrible place, full of racist demagogues and insidious politicians and hordes of idiots and hurricanes, but the news that Liam Neeson thinks a horse recognised him from a previous movie somehow makes everything okay. Liam Neeson doing horse whispering is the salve on the gaping wound that is 2018. Shhhh. Everything is going to be fine. Let's read it again, together.

  • The Apprentice: season 14, episode 2 recap: "Bad Boys, Ink"

    TV Feature | Ed Williamson | 14th October 2018

    I noticed the other day that A Question of Sport is still on TV. Literally still being broadcast on televisions. So as much as I would've been delighted if The Apprentice had been cancelled this year, I suppose it's understandable it's further down the list.

  • The nine most embarrassing X-Men marketing fuck-ups

    Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 12th October 2018

    You can always count on the X-Men for a laugh. While the Marvel marketing machine runs like a well-oiled machine and the DC marketing machine is basically a Xerox of the Marvel machine, the Fox marketing machine is more like a dodgy office printer, old and busted and producing wildly erratic and inconsistent results because no one really knows how to use it properly. The X-Men franchise is arguably the biggest name in superhero cinema - so why can't Fox ever seem to sell the movies without, excuse my language, fucking up like cack-handed twats?

  • The Apprentice: season 14, episode 1 recap: "Can You Do It Squid Pro Quo?"

    TV Feature | Becky Suter | 4th October 2018

    Theresa May was right - the British people need to know an end is in sight. 14 years of this and not even Alan's Twitter can bring down the behemoth that is The Apprentice. I'd take Lord Sugar's Racist World Cup over the next 12 weeks of more corporate cum dumpsters trying to flog pork sandwiches to a vegan cafe before being sent home in a black cab (Note: this is a lie).

  • A special Shiznit investigation: which food is acceptable to eat on a train?

    Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 1st October 2018

    Earlier this week, an unforeseen event shocked me to my very core. My good friend and colleague Matthew Looker, a professional and a family man, contacted me to inform me of some most distressing news, and he had pictorial evidence: a woman on his packed commuter train home had begun eating a whole melon with a spoon. Not melon chunks, you understand. An entire, spherical melon. No sooner had the perpetrator finished carving the guts out of the melon, satisfying her own perverted craving for flesh, she began carving up a second melon. The carnage was only contained when the carcasses of the large fruits were stored in a Tupperware lunchbox and removed from the theatre of conflict. Regardless, it was clear: the rules had changed, and none of us in the Banter Squad group chat would ever be the same again.

  • The solid gold twats of The Apprentice 2018, in their own words

    TV Feature | Becky Suter | 26th September 2018

    It's not business, it's war - or, more specifically, it's a bunch of bum-licking bellends in suits making bad analogies. Lord Alan Sugar is back to bark at more briefcase wankers, and I'm back to pass judgement because I've got nothing else better to do. Let's meet the contestants of the 2018 series of The Apprentice and hear from them in their own words!

  • Predict the finale and play along with Bodyguard Bingo!

    TV Feature | Ali Gray | 19th September 2018

    The BBC's new thriller Bodyguard has been one of the most popular new British television series in over a decade, thanks to the slick writing of creator Jed Mercurio and the slinky appeal of Keeley Hawes' foxy Home Sexretary (Secretary). Between episodes, fans have been ravenous for new information, sharing plot spoilers and conspiracy theories online in an attempt fill the gaping hole left in their lives. Friends, fans and Richard Madden stans: let me fill your holes.

  • 20 exciting and totally achievable ways the DC Universe can rebuild

    Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 17th September 2018

    The DC universe is broken. Henry Cavill is done with Superman. Ben Affleck is too goth even for Batman and reportedly wants an escape route. Wonder Woman accidentally became the most successful one and now all the men at the studio have no idea what to do with her. And Aquaman... exists. Forget whatever humanitarian crises the Fake News Media are pushing on you this week: we need to focus our efforts on figuring out how to fix these adult manbaby movie franchises, and STAT. These 20 ideas to fix the DCCU by yours truly are a start, but frankly, I'm not hearing anything coming from your end. Is this thing even on?

  • Analysing THE SHEER INSANITY of a day in the life of Mark Wahlberg

    Movie Feature | Ali Gray | 13th September 2018

    Mark Wahlberg is most unlike you or I. For starters, he's a rich and famous celebrity, who is so rich and famous and blessed with over-confidence he can get away with inventing hypothetical scenarios whereby he averts the terrorist attacks of 9/11 and face almost no backlash. His career trajectory is uniquely insane, running the full gamut from teenage thug to white rapper to underpants model to Hollywood actor to hamburger magnate. And despite his obvious handicap of looking permanently like he's not sure what floor his lift just stopped at, Wahlberg is inexplicably popular, not just with people who go and see movies with titles like 'Max Payne' and '2 Guns', but with actual, credible filmmakers like Paul Thomas Anderson, Martin Scorsese and James Gray. He's one of a select circle of actors - including Adam Sandler and Nicolas Cage - who can lurch from atrocious dreck to proper cinematic fare without even changing his facial expression.