Andy

You wouldn't download an assclown: A rant on why cinemas are dying

Pity Hollywood. For they are losing money hand over fist because of dirty internet pirates. Pity John Travolta and his private jet fleet; pity George Clooney unable to heat his Italian lakeside mansion; Pity Tom Cruise for... well, being Tom Cruise. But pity these poor studios and stars, living on the breadline and having to sacrifice so much in their struggle to survive.

Or, to look at it a different way: fuck these cosseted prima-donnas and their multi-million dollar lifestyles.

Why vampires should bite, not suck

Teen girls suck. There, I said it. And I don't mean in the "verify your credit card to access" internet specialist site way that makes you feel vaguely dirty and seedy even if you are researching a book or something.

Your indie film is shit

Independent Cinema. A once byword for daring, independent filmmaking has been co-opted by the studios into what now means a quirky, feel-good turd wrapped in a soundtrack by the likes of Smog, Ween and any other number of lo-fi bands that play coffee-houses across America.

Review: The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button

David Fincher + Brad Pitt = fantastic. That's pretty much a given; Fincher brings out the best in Pitt, who is cursed with the affliction of being an actually very good actor trapped in a pretty body (George Clooney being another example). The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button is adapted from a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald t...

Sex And The City: Exclusive Sneak Preview!

The film version of every woman's favourite programme finally arrives, after leaving us on tenterhooks with the finale a couple of years ago. As we left our feisty heroines, it was clear that things would need a film to wrap up the story, and thank Christ's arse they did. In case you've forgotten, we last saw our dickless chums ...

Review: I Am Legend

There are two Will Smiths in this world. One is an actor of surprising depth and ability; he makes films like Six Degrees Of Separation, Ali and The Pursuit of Happyness. The other is The Fresh Prince of Bel Air; he makes films like Bad Boys, Independence Day, Men in Black and any other number of wise-cracking action hero eyewip...

Review: The Golden Compass

You can see why this was made by New Line. It's 100ft tall with CGI signs all over it: "Hey, a fantasy trilogy based on popular books! Payday-tastic! Green light now!" Hell, they even put Saruman and Gandalf into the film for an ironclad Tolkien seal of approval. I mean, if those guys are in it, it must be as good as 'the other ...

$tar War$: An Open Letter To George Lucas

Dear Mr Lucas, Stop. Please just stop. I can't take it anymore. A writer more talented than you (not including my 5 month-old nephew) once wrote: "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them." Well now is the time...

Ten Fantastic Movies You May Have Missed

You probably have a film that you love more than many others, your own personal favourite that you replay time and time again. Perhaps you like some films that a lot of your friends haven't seen and take delight in showing them the case, seeing their "huh?" expression as you slip the disc in and sit back knowing you're passing ...

Review: Hostel

Eli Roth's first offering since Cabin Fever follows the latest trend in horror to replace fear and jumps with sadism and brutality, to eschew creeping menace and tension for dismemberment and sex. But, much like its central characters, Hostel is low on style, wit and grace and instead serves up a platter of tits, blood and guts...