14 movie romances that are actually incredibly creepy


1st August 2009

Tom Hanks and Robin Wright-Penn in Forrest Gump

"I lurve you Jenny..." Forrest Gump's graveyard goodbye to his sweetie has me in floods of tears every time. Because it's a touching end to a genre-defying romantic odyssey? Nope, because junkie Jenny is a whore who tore out Forrest's retard heart, crammed it in a crack pipe, smoked it, then snorted its ashes. She uses him when he gets rich, gives him hope, then croaks after living a life of hedonism, leaving Forrest with nothing but a broken heart, an empty box of chocolates and that creepy Sixth Sense kid to raise by himself.

Julia Roberts and Richard Gere in Pretty Woman

Just how romantic can a movie be when its female protagonist lists her profession as 'human jizz jar'? Very, if sodden spinsters of the world are to be believed. Roberts might hold the record for 'hooker with the most teeth', but her exploits tell a sinister story: girls, you can turn as many tricks as you like, because sooner or later, a rich asshole will come along, see your inner beauty and save you from your miserable existence - all hopefully without hollowing you out like a cock-o-lantern first.

Natalie Portman and Jake Lloyd in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Everyone remembers the first time they met their significant other. In Padme Amidala's case, she knew Anakin Skywalker was the one when she locked eyes with the nine year-old across Watto's dusty junkyard: damn, if that little blonde cutie-pie wouldn't one day literally break her heart. She should have known better, but little Ani could only pray his midichlorians would accelerate his puberty. Still, at least they could enjoy an adult and convincing romance when they both grew up, right? Right? Oh, right.

David Duchovny and Minnie Driver in Return To Me

Here's a mystery that Mulder could never solve: how did a piece of shit film like this ever get made? The gist is thus: Duchovny's wife, Joely Richardson, is killed in a car crash. Her heart, however, is donated to Minnie Driver's patient, who promptly makes a recovery. Through effortless, organic, poetic screen-writing, he and her meet and fall in love. That's right, Mulder's love of his wife even applies to her still-beating organs. Presumably every time a sewer rat chews on his dead wife's missing pancreas, he dies a little inside.

Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost

You think it's hard watching this movie? Wait until Swayze becomes an actual ghost. Before that fateful day, we'll have to continue cringing as Demi's dimwit continues her passionate love affair with her dearly beloved, even after he's dearly departed - thank goodness Whoopi Goldberg can speak to the dead. At least, that's what she says. You can't help but think posing as a 'spiritualist medium' would be the perfect way for a butch lesbian to get some serious face time with a doe-eyed, grieving, sexy widow. Rawr.

Harrison Ford and Karen Allen in Raiders Of The Lost Ark

We know now, from Indy's alien-whooping, fridge-nuking fourth adventure, that Indy and Marion were meant to be. What we only got a glimpse of, though, was the pre-Raiders past they shared together. Indy is old enough to be cracking hips let alone whips, but Marion? Well... when Marion says of their blossoming romance, "I was a child! I was in love! It was wrong and you know it!" and Indy replies "You knew what you were doing", you start to imagine what Harrison Ford's head would look like stuck between school railings.

David Bowie and Jennifer Connelly in Labyrinth

Umm... This was supposed to be a movie for kids, right? Was David Bowie considered such a big star back in the eighties that not only could his Goblin King be allowed to lust after a 15 year-old girl, but his sperm-crushingly tight trousers were considered acceptable for family viewing? For the whole movie, innocent young Connelly stood face-to-face with Bowie's Hoggle - that's enough to give anyone bad dreams. A warning to children: if a pop legend promises to take you to a land of make-believe, just say no.

More:  Top10  Romance
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