Cinemassholes #3: Brodie Bruce


1st July 2005

Ever since I was young, numerous people - be they parents, teachers or employers - have told me I need to get my priorities straight. Brodie Bruce is a man who has his life in order, although perhaps not the order you or I may consider to be the norm. What comes first for New Jersey's most unruly inhabitant? Money? Job security? Securing a life partner? Nuh uh. Frivolities like females and finances don't even figure - Brodie lives and dies for his beloved mall. That's the mall, not a mall. Show some respect. While he might be too unmotivated to be considered a total asshole, the small amount of effort he does put into pissing people off is always noted and appreciated. Besides, anyone who farts when on the receiving end of a blowjob gets an automatic qualification.

Who is he? If you've ever been to your local retail emporium and noticed someone hanging around with no particular shopping agenda, that's your town's version of Brodie Bruce. Introduced in Kevin Smith's unfairly slated Mallrats, Brodie Bruce is New Jersey's biggest comic book fan, resident Sega fanboy and boyfriend to the feisty Rene. At least, he was, before she dumped his ass. Together with his newly single pal T.S., Brodie seeks refuge in the one place he can truly call home - the mall. Brodie doesn't treat the mall like you and I would treat it. To Brodie, the mall is like a womb, a place where he can feel comfortable, unthreatened and at peace with the world (well, when there aren't kids playing on the escalator anyway). Think of Brodie as the quiet guy in the corner you knew at school who spent his time flicking through the latest Punisher War Journal and drawing scary pictures of creatures with claws for hands and chicks with three breasts. He is also hung up on superhero sex organs and has interesting theories about Superman's potential mating partners. Just about your perfect role model for your average apathetic slacker teen, then.

The look Although Mallrats only follows the amazing adventures of Brodie for one day, you somehow get the feeling he's not too adventurous in the wardrobe department all year round. Aside from his morning time dressing gown (in which "you can totally see his balls", according to the DVD commentary), Brodie is often seen decked out in his trademark gear - the brown suede leather jacket, ill-fitting jeans and white t-shirt, the image on the front being an odd-looking composite of all the faces of the actors who auditioned for the role. Brodie's unique look is topped off with a mop of hair that looks like it is content to operate independently from his body, and, depending on his mood, sports either an aggravated snarl or a charming shooty finger-wink for the ladies. He looks great in women's underwear (he would have made a sexy chick) and is never seen without his precious Dixie cup (filled with Coke, no ice). Oh yeah, and if he looks like he's just stuck his hand down his pants, it's probably because he has.

Asshole behaviour Brodie's relationship with Rene reveals just why he qualifies as an asshole. He made her do a striptease to the theme of Mighty Mouse on his birthday. He made her sleep under the bed on prom night in case his mother came in. And let us not forget the time he told everyone at her grandmother's funeral that you could see her nipples through her burial dress (never actually confirmed or denied, it has to be noted). All taken with a pinch of salt, granted, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Who else would punch someone's grandmother because she called him 'low class'? Who else would rather see the poor old Easter Bunny take an ass-whooping so as to keep his own pride? Who else would gaily utter the word 'fuck' repeatedly on a live television broadcast? It is here where Brodie reveals himself to be the most enjoyable kind of asshole - the kind of guy that will rip into a weaker fella just for shits and giggles - poor old suitor Gil never stood a chance. And let's not forget his crowning achievement, the sublime stinkpalm he gives to Svenning. Not everyone is willing to plumb the depths of anal hygiene to stick it to the man like that.

Typical dialogue "Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child? He's an alien, for Christ sake. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. But that would kill him."

Unfortunately, it is Brodie's eventual weakness for the fairer sex that lets him down at the end - if he was really into his comics, he would have pinned down Marvel legend Stan Lee, made him sign his X-Men #1 and sold it on eBay for an enormous profit. But he was too bothered in chasing tail, because deep, deep down, Brodie still has room in his heart for the love of a good woman. Whether or not that's because he wants a repeat Mighty Mouse performance is his business, really. There really are some things you just shouldn't talk about in public.

Overall Asshole Rating: 75%

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