Films on TV round-up: planes and cocaines

Bloody hell, I hope The Bodyguard's not on. That'd be awkward.

Commencing: Monday 13th February 2012

The Bodyguard (1992) Tuesday, ITV2, 11pm



Oh, come on. Seriously?
Pearl Harbor (2001) Thursday, C5, 8.05pm



In his recent book The Good, The Bad and the Multiplex, which anyone with an interest in modern cinema should read, Mark Kermode dedicated several pages to bad-mouthing Pearl Harbor. Not without good cause, either, since it is awful. But I always kind of liked it. I own it on DVD, in fact. I think I might even have watched it with the director's commentary on.

Thing is though, I haven't watched it for a few years, and I'm pretty sure I'll hate it the next time I do. You know how there was this girl you thought you loved when you were at school, and then you met her again in your twenties and were baffled at what you'd ever seen in her? And how the things she said were now stultifyingly dumb, and beneath her expensive and in many ways groundbreaking special effects there was really only the merest hint of an actual story? And how she callously shoehorned a love triangle plot into the story of a horrific and brutal attack in which thousands died in order to sell cinema tickets? And how she made Ben Affleck have blonde hair? And how she insisted on portraying Japanese people as evil by playing dark, foreboding music every time one of them was around in a way that was borderline racist?

It'll be like that, basically.
Scarface (1983) Thursday, ITV3, 10pm (also Saturday, 11pm)



Like any teenage boy I loved Scarface. It had GUNS and DRUGS and SWEARING and if I watched it and talked about it with my friends then it sounded like I knew loads about GUNS and DRUGS and SWEARING. Then I sort of fell out of love with it when it was suddenly the go-to favourite of all white, middle-class wannabe gangstas, who would, upon producing anything, from cutlery to beansprouts, illustrate the action with "Say hello to my little friend!" I didn't watch it for a few years.

Then last year I saw it on the big screen for the first time at the splendidly tremendous/tremendously splendid Prince Charles Cinema in London, and fell in love with it all over again. One thing I'd missed, having never watched it before with a full audience, was how funny it is; what Pacino really nailed was the sense that Tony is a peasant trying to act like he's at home in high society, but never succeeding because he has no taste and doesn't know how to behave. Did you ever notice the scene where he's given a finger-bowl with a lemon slice in it, and eats the lemon? I hadn't.

This being on ITV3 you can expect it to be heavily edited for TV, though hopefully not so severely as you can see here. Either way, just enjoy the days when Pacino used to shout because it fit his character, rather than just because he likes shouting, and Brian De Palma at his insane, rip-roaring best.
Also on this week

The Longest Yard Monday, C5, 10pm
You've Got Mail Tuesday, ITV2, 7.30pm
Hard Target Tuesday, ITV4, 9pm
Twilight Tuesday, Film4, 9pm
Pineapple Express Wednesday, 5*, 9pm
Vicky Cristina Barcelona Wednesday, Film4, 9pm
Blades of Glory Wednesday, BBC3, 10pm
Snakes on a Plane Wednesday, E4, 10pm
Happy Gilmore Wednesday, ITV2, 10.45pm
Let the Right One In Wednesday, Film4, 10.55pm
Star Trek (2009) Thursday, Film4, 9pm
American Pie 2 Thursday, ITV2, 10.45pm
Psycho (1960) Friday, ITV3, 12.15am
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story Friday, E4, 9pm
Hot Fuzz Friday, ITV1, 10.35pm
Planet of the Apes Saturday, Film4, 6.50pm
Twins Saturday, ITV2, 7.05pm
Final Destination 3 Saturday, C4, 10.10pm
Starsky & Hutch Saturday, BBC1, 10.20pm