Here's that Vinnie Jones update you asked for

I recently had reason to look at Vinnie Jones' IMDB page. I forget why now, because my brain has been dazzled by the sheer number of projects he currently has in the works. Brother be almost as busy as Eric Roberts.

Just look at them. LOOK AT THEM.


Impressive, right? I bet in every single one of them he plays "Vinnie Jones". Is there really that many stories to tell around a skin-headed, grisly cockney crim character? Well, let’s dig a little deeper into a few of them and find out…
Redirected


In this Lithuanian film, Vinnie Jones stars as "Golden Pole" (no information can be found as to why this could possibly be considered a name), one of four friends-turned-robbers who find themselves stranded in Eastern Europe and have a series of misadventures trying to find their way home. Despite that synopsis, it is strangely labelled as "action, drama, thriller" on IMDB, where it also holds a 9.0 rating, which leads me to suspect that everything I know about life is incorrect.

Released: 10th January 2014… in Lithuania. No word yet on a UK release.
Puncture Wounds


Vinnie sports a solid lip-tickler for this film, in which he is aptly named 'Bennett'. The film stars Cung Le as a soldier returning from Iraq with PTSD who becomes a target of a local gang of pimps when he rescues a prostitute. Cung Le describes the film as "First Blood meets No Country For Old Men". IMDB user OneView describes it as "depressingly familiar" and "limply paced", but then he also takes time to suggest that a woman seen wearing underwear shortly after being brutally raped is a continuity error, so his views should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Released: Available to buy on DVD now under the name "A Certain Justice". What a strong, assertive title.
Way Of The Wicked


Christian Slater’s exploding crotch stars as Father Henry, a priest who teams up with Vinnie Jones’ police detective to investigate a "demonic force". Of Vinnie Jones, one IMDB reviewer notes: "One thing good is that the movie's directors or producers doesn't compulse him into acting out any American accent, thus he gets to keep his rough European accent which is his trademark in action movies." This guy clearly spends far too much time watching Vinnie Jones films.

Released: Available on DVD from 1st September. No word yet on whether it will then receive a worldwide theatrical release.
Vychislitel


A Russian sci-fi film for which there are absolutely no details available, and yet it is still worth mentioning for the fact that Vinnie Jones is – honest to God, no word of a lie – credited as "Vinni Dzhons". Do all actors have to be given Russian names when making Russian films? Or, as is more probably the case, is this just part of some elaborate tax avoidance scam?

"Er no, Inland Revenue… that is not me. That is my Russian twin brother"
"Your identical twin brother was born in Russia, Mr. Jones?"
"Shit."

Released: Later this year, in Russia anyway. And from the looks of things, nowhere else ever.
Reaper


Vinnie Jones teams up with Danny Trejo in this maelstrom of machismo, which sees a death row inmate survive his execution and then go on a supernatural rampage as 'Reaper'. No idea what Vinnie’s role is like, but he probably plays a hardened gangster, or a Brit-thug who tries to MUG REAPER OFF. It doesn’t matter – look at that cover! Is it… an electric scythe? A lightning hook-hand? What is happening in this picture?

Released: Not soon enough.
Honourable mentions, presented without comment:

6 Ways To Sundown: Vinnie Jones plays John Doe, "a man of mystery. His identity and history are unknown. All we know is that he wants Sundown dead and six feet under. But before he does so, he wants to make Sundown feel every thing that he felt, suffer every thing that he suffered and lose everything that he lost."

Awaken: "A random group of people wake up on an Island where they are being hunted down in a sinister plot to harvest their organs."

Rivers 9:"When an Indian casino, controlled by the mob, begins to destroy a close-knit, rural town, a band of lovable, redneck, low-tech misfits hatch a plan to beat them at their own game by pulling off the heist of the century."

Overtown: "A story about three unlikely friends who come from different racial backgrounds with one thing in common: surviving the streets of Overtown, one of Miami's grittiest neighborhoods."

Mind Puppets: A comedy in which "five people are stuck in an altered hypnotic state after the hypnotist falls into a coma."
Seriously, what is it though? A sparking chainsaw knife? A flux capacitor machete? Will we ever find out?