Rejected "cool new lightsaber" designs for Star Wars: Episode VII

Seen the new Star Wars trailer? Seen the new lightsaber? With the hilt? Of course you have. The only person who hasn't seen it yet is George Lucas and that's because, as part of the deal with Disney, he had to have Star Wars completely erased from his memory.

But the rest of us marvelled at the new lightsaber - dubbed the "#broadsaber" by every genius on Twitter. There were coos of excitement, followed by "he'd chop his fingers off!" ridicule, followed by "he's trained in the ways of the Force, you arsehat, of course he won't" rebukes. I'm not going to lie, it wasn't pretty.

But we should have seen this coming; Star Wars is always trying to outdo its own lightsaber designs. After Phantom Menace introduced us to the double-ender, Attack Of The Clones saw Anakin fight with TWO lightsabers and then Revenge Of The Sith saw coughbot General Grievous fight with FOUR lightsabers. Just be grateful we got a cool medieval design and not just someone fighting with TWENTY-SIX lightsabers.

But of course the design team have been hard at work in introducing this cool new iteration of the galaxy's most elegant weapon. Here are some ideas that got thrown in the bin, along with Han Solo's face tattoo and C-3PO's new 'Fender Stratocaster arms'.
Just a really fucking big lightsaber



A lightsaber blade that's several inches wide and eight feet long. In some ways it's an obvious direction to go in, but JJ Abrams is said to have nixed the idea after Disney used its vast fortune to make a real-life working version and it cut through the floor, sinking towards the Earth's core, never to be seen again.
Lightwhip



Combining two iconic movie items in one: the lightsaber and Indy's bullwhip. This was very nearly chosen as the Sith apprentice weapon of choice before producers realised that it made Darth Indiana look like a dominatrix.
Lighthammer



After Thor proved that audiences will happily buy into a magic flying hammer, this was mooted as a possibility for Episode VII before someone pointed out that it wouldn't even work as a DIY tool and would simply vaporise any nail it came into contact with.
Lightclaws



At one point, Disney were in talks with several other studios to produce an ultimate crossover universe that will last the next 80 years. Episode VII was to kick things off with a twist reveal that the new Sith Lord is actually Wolverine. This would culminate in a giant melee between popular film franchises that would see Han Solo team up with Godzilla to take down the new rebel alliance after reports that Chewbacca accidentally ripped Harry Potter's face off. The plans were scrapped after Hugh Jackman said he's "getting a bit bored of Wolverine, to be honest".
Lightrevolver



Taking lightsabers in a new and interesting direction, but also very much back to basics, this "lightrevolver" was to usher in a new age of glowing firearms to the Star Wars universe. JJ Abrams ruled the idea out after a thinktank session couldn't decide whether it shot regular bullets or 'lightbullets'. In which case, how do you load it? With special gloves? Then surely everyone would wear the same material as body armour. The brainstorm lasted for eight weeks.
LightMolotov



A weapon in serious consideration for just 48 hours during a brief stint in which Abrams planned to pay touching homage to the Ferguson protests.
Lightsoo



The very first weapon incarnation that Abrams dreamed up, inspired by the original genre label 'space western'. He also planned to have a scene in which John Boyega tried to stay seated on a bucking Mark Hamill for as long as possible while R2-D2 timed him.
Ukelelesaber



Submitted as a joke by an ILM employee, only for it to be taken into serious consideration by top execs at Disney. After months of building prototypes and shooing test footage, the employee eventually got the nerve to fess up, resulting in murmurs of "Yeah, we knew it was a joke... we were joking too. In fact, we were joking first. The joke's on YOU. Shut up."
Is that enough coverage of the Star Wars trailer yet? No? Fine, we'll be back tomorrow with some fake posters or something.