Ten Things We Demand From Indy IV

Dear Steven Spielberg,

First of all, thanks for taking the time to read this - we know you have a busy schedule of prepping Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull for its May release, plus we appreciate that snubbing international superpowers can really take it out of you. But we have concerns about you bringing back our favourite hero. At first we were worried, because Harrison Ford is 95 years old and clearly not going to be raiding many more arks in his lifetime. But then we saw the production photos and the awesome teaser trailer and we have to admit, we're stoked. We want our Indy back, Mr. Spielberg, but we want him done right. To that end, here are ten things we requested, nay, DEMAND you consider before you release Indy's fourth adventure.

1. "NOT AS EASY AS IT USED TO BE"
There's no escaping the fact that, like the rest of humanity, Harrison Ford got damn OLD over the last two decades - and that's despite the skinny celebrity girlfriend and the 'Aw, daaad...' earring he's prone to wearing in public. Let's not pretend that Indy is anything less than a crusty old has been; he's a haggard and well-worn hero, rough around the edges and greying at the temples (of doom). He is not Leonardo DiCaprio. The biggest problem with Die Hard 4.0 - last year's winner of the most unlikely action hero to come out of retirement - was that the filmmakers made very few concessions to the character's age. If there's even one scene where Indy fights a Harrier Jump Jet with his bare hands, we're walking.

2. "IT'S NOT THE YEARS, HONEY. IT'S THE MILEAGE"
Point #1 considered, there's no reason that Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull should be anything less than the best action movie of the decade. What we're saying, Steven, is that while we want you to make reference to the character's old age, we want to see Indy huff and puff his way through some really spectacular set-pieces - if he doesn't have a busted hip and a catheter fitted by the time the credits have run, then he hasn't been working hard enough. Why let all the young 'uns take all the credit anyway? Put Dr. Henry Jones Jr and Jason Bourne in a room together, it ain't gonna be Will Hunting the one walking out alive. Indy was once the best action hero of them all, and he deserves to be the reigning champ when he bows out.

3. "SNAKES... WHY'D IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES?"
Believe it or not, we've all seen the original Indiana Jones trilogy. Like, a million times. Each. We're (mostly) an intelligent audience and we don't need token nods to the other movies to make this one enjoyable - Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull should be fun on its own merits and not just from trading on Indy's past glories. This means no saluting Nazi monkeys, no rolling boulders, no Indy cowering from snakes... just evoking the feeling of the Indiana Jones movie will be enough for us. If you like, you can throw in one grab for the hat and a couple of those classic stances where Indy looks like he's drunk after he's just thrown a haymaker. But that's it: this should feel like a brand new Indy movie, not a Greatest Hits compilation.

4. "HE NO NUTS, HE CRAZY!"
We're talking of course about George Lucas. Now now Steve, we know you and George have been BFFs (Bearded Friends Forever) for years now, but the man's recent record speaks for itself. We're not about to let him meddle with the Indiana Jones series like he meddled with his other beloved trilogy. Keep Lucas busy with paperwork; send him on errands; lead a trail of Yum Yums from his trailer to a giant sand trap and don't let him out until May 22nd. Whatever you do, don't let him near the script, the camera or the editing room. This is the man who wrote the following line: "I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough. Not like you. You're soft and smooth." Spoken by the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy. Case. Closed.

5. "YOU CALL THIS ARCHAEOLOGY?"
Readers of any spoilers will have learned that Kingdom Of The Crystal allegedly pays homage to the paranoid sci-fi serials of the '50s and '60s. We already know from the trailer that Indy appears to be in Area 51, and there's a mysterious crate marked 'Roswell 1947'. So what's the deal? Is Indiana Jones going toe-to-toe with E.T.? Will the skinny white dudes from Close Encounters show up for their crystal skull? "I know the critics are going to hate it," says Lucas of the movie's sci-fi bent. "They already hate it." This is not exactly reassuring: Indy movies might toy with reality (The Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail etc.) but they're not from another planet. Keep any alien overtones subtle, Spielberg: nobody wants to see Indy-pendence Day.