The 9 most retarded things about G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

Snake Eyes' lips



First Transformers, now this: Hasbro must have it in their contract that any movie based on one of their toy ranges must have unnecessary lips added to at least one of the main characters. We learned to live with Optimus Prime's creepy-looking robo-mouth. Et tu, Snake Eyes?

For the uninitiated, the character of Snake Eyes is a silent-but-deadly ninja - yep, he's a mute. The other Joes even mention the fact that "he doesn't talk" and you later find out that Snake Eyes has taken a vow of silence after his master was killed.

So why in the name of all that's holy does his mask have fucking lips on it? Isn't that a little... insensitive? The G.I. Joe costume department are obviously having a laugh at his expense. Would they sew a pair of big floppy ears on the headgear of any deaf soldiers? Or googly eyes on the helmets of blind Joes? Hell, they'd never know.

A warning to any new members: don't let slip the fact that you're celibate unless you want to be entering battle with a giant prosthetic dick on the crotch of your armour.


One of the movie's more thrilling action sequences Fighting



In one scene, Channing Tatum's character has to be restrained from attempting to beat up a hologram of Christopher Ecclestone. That is all.
Christopher Ecclestone's 'Scottish' accent



Ah, the language of the Celts - it might as well be Esperanto, for all the people who can pull it off on screen. Ironically, actual bona fide Scots are so comfortable with their accents, they're physically unable to execute any other - that's why Sean Connery had to retire.

Considering I genuinely thought Christopher Ecclestone was Scottish before I saw this movie, he did a fair job on convincing me otherwise. My favourite lines were the ones where he announced his hatred of Nato (pronounced 'Nayd-toh') and when he cried in outrage, "These cost me 13 million Yoros!", Yoros being a top secret currency that all super-villains trade in. Good exchange rate, you see.