Video hell: Hardwired

The first in a new regular series, we take a look at new direct-to-DVD duds and shake our heads in mild embarrassment. This week, sci-fi thriller Hardwired, starring Cuba Gooding Jr and Val Kilmer.

As a part-time movie reviewer, I have to sit through my fair share of total stinkers on DVD. I'm not talking about your big-budget flops or grand follies, quite the opposite; I mean the micro-budgeted abominations, featuring fallen stars and ubiquitous bit-parters. They're usually directed by Renny Harlin.

The one thing that crosses my mind every time is, "Who actually watches this stuff?" Obviously someone has to, otherwise they wouldn't get made. But while the actors are probably hoping these duffers will be quietly forgotten, I'm here to make sure they're celebrated for what they really are: wonderfully naff paycheque movies that are often far more fun than their 'real' movies.

Hardwired (2009)
Directed by: Ernie Barbarash
Starring: Cuba Gooding Jr, Val Kilmer, Michael Ironside


Generic tagline? "They stole his past, now he's taking back his future."

What's the story? It's the future, and corporations run everything (yeah... the future...). Luke Gibson (Cuba Gooding Jr) is involved in a car crash which leaves him with amnesia and a dead wife and child. As head of the obviously evil Hexx Corporation, Virgil (Val Kilmer) operates on him and saves his life, but at a cost.

Gibson's brain is implanted with a chip that makes him see adverts for Hexx products and services. Understandably pissed he's been turned into a walking billboard, Gibson vows revenge - with guns! - and attempts to uncover the mystery of his mysterious accident.

Didn't you used to be famous? Sadly (for him), Cuba Gooding Jr's career has become the watermark for a once proud actor who has resorted to slumming it in direct-to-DVD shlock. We can only hypothesise how many times casting directors have forced him to yell "Show me the money!" when auditioning.

Kilmer has also fallen on hard times recently, but is no stranger to going straight to the shelves. Since he put on a bit of weight, he's not troubled a cinema in years, although strangely, both he and Gooding Jr often pop up in halfway decent films in cameo roles; Val in Nic Cage's Bad Lieutenant remake and Cuba in Ridley Scott's American Gangster. Both probably consider cack like this their day job, though.

Is Lance Henriksen in it? No.

Dodgy cover art? Oh yes. For some reason Kilmer deemed it necessary to squidge his face against a pane of glass for his photo.

Is it worth a purchase? Only if you thought Renny Harlin's Mindhunters was the coolest film you'd ever seen. Buy from Amazon.co.uk

Seagal fat-o-meter: (the skinnier the better)