All the single ladies

What would happen to Beyoncé if she were in The Handmaid’s Tale?

Becky Suter

2nd August 2018

It's not a comedy, but the secret to The Handmaid's Tale is its timing: it's 2018, 100 years since the Suffragettes fought for the right to vote, and yet there's a pussy-grabbing prick of a president and we're still discussing women's basic reproductive rights. Part of The Handmaid's Tale's uncomfortable appeal is that it feels too close to own our reality. Which is why one night, as I watched Offred/June having a thoroughly miserable time of it, I wondered: what would become of me if Gilead actually happened? What about YouTubers or other celebs? Or – gasp - Queen of the Beyhive, Beyoncé? What about Bey? (For me personally - single, probably barren – most likely a Martha).

1. She'd be a Handmaid

Beyoncé’s internet-breaking baby bump photos made her a modern goddess of fertility, so you can bet that the Sons of Jacob would want their hands on dem ovaries. Would Bey and her plentiful womb have been forced into a Red Centre and trained as a Handmaid?

Given this is BEYONCE, no Angel would get past being crushed under her custom Louboutin boots to get anywhere near enough to put a red sack over her head. In the event the Aunts could manage to break her, it would only be a matter of time before Yoncé would be heading up the Mayday revolution, couriering messages from the resistance strapped to her statuesque thighs. Kanye on the other hand would probably claim "Being a Handmaid is a choice."

2. She'd be sent to Jezebel's

Surely Beyoncé would prove such a threat to the regime that she would have been immediately shipped to Jezebel's, the brothel where Commanders can make examples of women who would have intimidated them pre-Gilead. Given the choice between a slow, painful death in the Colonies or Jezebel's, Bey would use her sexuality and alter ego Sasha Fierce, to her advantage. She would graciously offer to put on a performance for the first batch of punters, until halfway through delivering a flying round-house kick straight to the head of the first creep to trying to paw her, yelling, "SUCK ON MY BALLS, BITCH! SUUUUUUCK ON MY BALLS, BALLS" reducing the building and everyone in it into dust as a result of her awesomeness.

Oh, if I were a boy...

3. She’d be shipped out to the Colonies

It is evident that no one, not even Jay-Z, is ready for Beyoncé's jelly. Someone of her stature and intellect would be convicted of having committed a serious crime under puritanical Gilead law, so it’s likely that the powers that be would cart her out to the toxic wastelands to get rid of her. But, shovel in hand as she digs at the radioactive topsoil, Bey would start to bang out the militaristic beat to 'Run The World (Girls)', causing a ripple amongst the other Unwomen when suddenly, she would pull off her grey drab dress revealing a hip cut yellow Emilio Pucci dress, raising a red flag emblazoned with a black ‘B’ and march on black stiletto boots in front of her rallied troops to take down her oppressors. None of those hoes can fight her.

4. She'd become a Commander's wife

Serena Joy was a celeb pre-Gilead and look how it worked out for her: nice dresses, lush kitchen and occasionally holding down a defenceless woman so her husband can rape her. While Beyoncé likes to live it lavish, lavish, there’s no way she'd be complicit with the Republic of Gilead. Even if she thought she’d be able to bring the regime down from the inside, there's no way Beyoncé would let that shit happen on her watch. Plus, one false move in front of the Eyes would mean a one-way ticket to The Wall…

5. She'd flee to Europe

The Carters are both bajillionaires, so at the first sign of trouble they’d stack their money and go fast like a Lambo outta there. From the safety of France where they would make The Lourve their base for pro-US rebels, the couple would release critically acclaimed albums aimed at removing the scourge of the Republic of Gilead. As they seek refugee status, they would tour the world, calling it the "On The Run" tour and OH MY GOD IT'S ALL COMING TOGETHER.

Follow us on Twitter @The_Shiznit for more fun features, film reviews and occasional commentary on what the best type of crisps are.
We are using Patreon to cover our hosting fees. So please consider chucking a few digital pennies our way by clicking on this link. Thanks!

Share This