Cannes 2012 line-up from the point of view of someone who isn't going

The full line-up for the Cannes Film Festival 2012 has been revealed, and as one of the only journalists in London not to be attending, I have a unique viewpoint on the films in competition.

But seriously folks. I'm here all week. Try the horse meat.

Okay, fair enough, I'll be 'professional' and cover it like a 'journalist'. This SUCKS. While you're all away on your champagne-soaked press jollies, having sex with Heidi Klum on a yacht, I'll probably be enjoying the press screening of Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted and eating potatoes. But, you know, don't let that affect my opinion.

Before I go any further, I feel it entirely necessary that we listen to the music below, just to get into the right sort of atmosphere.



That's better. Now try NOT feeling cosmopolitan while you browse through this gigantic list of films showing at Cannes 2012.
COMPETITION:
Moonrise Kingdom, dir: Wes Anderson
Rust & Bone, dir: Jacques Audiard
Holly Motors, dir: Léos Carax
Cosmopolis, dir: David Cronenberg
The Paperboy, dir: Lee Daniels
Killing Them Softly, dir: Andrew Dominik
Reality, dir: Matteo Garrone
Amour, dir: Michael Haneke
Lawless, dir: John Hillcoat
In Another Country, dir: Hong Sangsoo
Taste Of Money, dir: Im Sangsoo
Like Someone In Love, dir: Abbas Kiarostami
The Angel’s Share, dir: Ken Loach
Im Nebel, dir: Sergei Loznitsa
Beyond The Hills, dir: Cristian Mungiu
Baad El Mawkeaa, dir: Yousry Nasrallah
Mud, dir: Jeff Nichols
You Haven’t Seen Anything Yet, dir: Alain Resnais
Post Tenebras Lux, dir: Carlos Reygadas
On The Road, dir: Walter Salles
Paradis: Amour, dir: Ulrich Seidl
The Hunt, dir: Thomas Vinterberg
Thérèse Desqueyroux, dir: Claude Miller (closing film, out of competition)

UN CERTAIN REGARD:
Miss Lovely, Ashim Ahluwalia
La Playa, dir: Juan Andrés Arango
God’s Horses, dir: Nabil Ayouch
Trois Monde, dir: Catherine Corsini
Antiviral, dir: Brandon Cronenberg
7 Days In Havana, dirs: Benicio Del Toro, Pablo Trapero, Julio Medem, Elia Suleiman, Juan Carlos Tabio, Gaspard Noé, Laurent Cantet
Le Grand Soir, dirs: Benoit Delépine, Gustave Kervern
Laurence Anyways, dir: Xavier Dolan
Después De Lucia, dir: Michel Franco
Aimer A Perdre La Raison, dir: Joachim Lafosse
Student, dir: Darezhan Omirbayev
La Pirogue, dir: Moussa Toure
Elefante Blanco, dir: Pablo Trapero
Confessions Of A Chile Of The Century, dir: Sylvie Verheyde
11.25 The Day He Chose His Own Fate, dir: Koji Wakamatsu
Mystery, dir: Lou Ye
Beasts Of The Southern Wild, dir: Behn Zeitlin

OUT OF COMPETITION
Io E Te, dir: Bernardo Bertolucci
Madagascar 3, Europe’s Most Wanted, dirs: Eric Darnelle, Tom McGrath
Hemingway & Gelhorn, dir: Philip Kaufman

MIDNIGHT SCREENINGS
Dario Argento’s Dracula, dir: Dario Argento
Ai To Makoto, dir: Takashi Miike

65th BIRTHDAY FILM
Une Journée Particulière, dirs: Gilles Jacob, Samuel Faure

SPECIAL SCREENINGS
Polluting Paradise, dir: Fatih Akin
Roman Polanski: A Film Memoir, dir: Laurent Bouzereau
The Central Park Five, dirs: Ken Burns, Sarah Burns, David McMahon
Les Invisibles, Sébastien Lifshitz
Journal De France, dirs: Claudine Nougaret, Raymond Depardon
A Musica Segundo Tom Jobim, dir: Nelson Pereira Dos Santos
Villegas, dir: Gonzalo Tobal
Mekong Hotel, dir: Apichatpong Weerasethakul It's like a whole other language or something! Those crazy Frenchies! Right, I'll break the films down the only way I know how - by comparing their potential quality with that of French footballers.


Moonrise Kingdom - I'm not Wes Anderson's number one fan (he ranks behind 'Craven' and 'ley Snipes' in my list of favourite Weses) but even I have to admit this looks lovely: a candy-coloured paean to youthful love and exploration. Also it has Bill Murray looking for a tree to chop down.

Cosmopolis - David Cronenberg's A Dangerous Method didn't have nearly enough scenes of headfuck body-horror in it, so I'm hoping this Don DeLillo adaptation - starring Robert Pattinson doing his level best to bury his glittery Twilight image - more than makes up for the lack of carnage.

Killing Them Softly - Formerly known as Cogan's Trade, all I know of this is that it's by Chopper director Andrew Dominik, and the one still released so far shows Brad Pitt dressed like a greaser and holding a gun. Guaranteed to be a goodie on this alone.

Lawless - Another crap name change, this John Hillcoat Western was formerly known as The Wettest County. It starts Tom Hardy With A Beard and comic-book artist Shia LaBeouf as bootleggers in Depression-era Virginia. Think The Proposition but more savage, as if that's even possible.


Amour - Get your party streamers out everyone, it's the latest Haneke. This inevitably worthy drama about a retired couple dealing with the aftermath of a stroke will doubtless be shot clinically and acted superbly, but don't pretend you'll go and see this instead of The Avengers.

7 Days In Havana - A multi-chapter story about a young American actor (Josh Hutcherson) visiting a Cuban film festival, this boasts seven directors including Benecio Del Toro (yes...), Gaspar Noé (YES...) and, er, five other guys. Might be good with a rum or nine.

The Paperboy - Lee Daniels' follow-up to Precious, The Paperboy: Based On The Novel The Paperboy By Pete Dexter is a tale of a reporter who returns to Florida to investigate a case involving a death row inmate. Sounds good, but Dexter also wrote John Travolta angel move, Michael.

The Angels' Share - The Ken Loachiest movie that Ken Loach ever loached. To be fair to the director, this at least sounds a little more jolly than his usual fare, with a gang of ex-cons taking it upon themselves to sell the finest malt whiskies in the world.


On The Road - Walter Salles' adaptation of the classic Jack Kerouac book (which I haven't read, and neither have you) might surprise us, but let's face it: Kristen Stewart and That Guy From Tron Legacy aka Garrett Hedlund aren't exactly the artistic voices of their generation.

Dario Argento's Dracula - Years ago, Dario Argento might have made the 'Zidane' section of this list (although that wouldn't have made any sense at the time), but his brand of horror feels pretty quaint nowadays. Besides, it can't possibly be as good as Gerard Butler's Dracula 2000.

Mekong Hotel - The latest blither from Thai director Apichatpong Weerasethakul, whose full name has never not been copied and pasted. He directed Uncle Boonmee, which was as much fun as putting an old desk out for collection by the council, which coincidentally, is what I just did.

Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted - Dammit! They won't even let me have this one! Screw you, France! (*gives the middle finger to somewhere near Greenland*)