James May to be switched off

With the already-tenuous purpose of James May now defunct, he is to be unplugged and put away in a box in the attic.

The news came as Top Gear announced that auditions for its presenting roles alongside new host Chris Evans were open to literally everyone but May.

"What is he for?" pondered BBC Director-General Tony Hall in a statement. "I suppose you could keep him in the kitchen and use his fingers as a mug tree. Or he could double as a keep-left sign if he could remember to point to the left."

"I don't even have a car," confirmed May, making himself comfortable between the artificial Christmas tree and a big box of Duplo.