Movie poster round-up: flying swords, 3D spiders and several psychos
Posted by Luke at 00:01 on 19 Aug 2012
They say Hollywood is creatively bankrupt; that a slew of sequels, reboots and remakes has left cinemagoers craving for originality. Well, my friends, prepare to have your minds blown wide open by Doggie B: the cool dude dog who enters a breakdancing contest in order to save his Uncle's dance studio. Chris Nolan doesn't even know he's born.
Remember when Hero came out and everyone was like "wow you can barely see the wires"? And then House Of Flying Daggers came along and everyone said "hey this is like Hero but art"? Almost ten years later Flying Swords Of Dragon Gate doesn't generate the same excitement, but it's a good reminder that the martial arts genre is ripe for 3D retrofits. Although I wouldn't watch Bulletproof Monk again even if it had 100 extra Ds.
Oh great, the new issue of Inescapable catalogue is here! They're really pushing their 24 range this month.
Whoever the man with a price on his head is in Marked Man, at least he's equipped himself with a shotgun and a leather jacket (and a pair of handy past-defining dog tags) to show what a no-nonsense tough guy he is. I bet when he turns around his face is made of knuckles.
Stop whinging, internet: Raiders Of The Lost Ark was officially renamed Indiana Jones And The Raiders Of The Lost Ark way back in 1999. It was a good idea to keep the updated name on this poster for the IMAX release though - people might forget it's an Indy film because he only appears five times on it. #sarcasm #megalolz
Ali already made our position clear on the terrible posters for Resident Evil: Retribution, and I had second thoughts about posting this one because it seems like there's a new disaster every week. But I'd already written the HTML for the image and I'm a lazy, lazy man so...
Of course the real criminal on this poster for Martin McDonagh's Seven Psychopaths is the colour green.
As a survivor of a recent spider attack, I can attest to spiders being the scariest fucking thing in the world. Even more scary than cancer. Although a spider that can bite you and give you cancer would be the absolute worst. Oh Christ they're going to find one that can do that one day aren't they. Fuck you, cancerspiders. And fuck you Spiders 3D, despite your excellent poster. (*prints out one hundred copies and burns in garden*)
And finally; did you know you can tell how old a human male is by how far up they pull their trousers? It's true! Take Arnie in this poster for The Last Stand for example: his trousers are riding roughly 60-70% up to his neck, lo and behold he's 65. If he reaches 100 he'll most likely die by choking on his belt. It's called the Human Condition, look it up.