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Michael Bay

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We really need to talk again about Transformers: The Last Knight

Posted by Matt Looker at 13:30 on 17 Jul 2017
We really need to talk again about Transformers: The Last Knight
This year has seen the first female-led superhero movie, two Apocalypse Now inspired monkey movies, a curtain call for Logan, a launch of Universal's Dark Universe, and the return of Cars, Captain Jack, Renton and Xander Cage. And yet there's only one film I can't get out of my head right now.

Review: Transformers: The Last Knight

Posted by Ali Gray at 00:50 on 21 Jun 2017
Transformers: The Last Knight
Michael Bay finally did it: he exploded history. Not content with retconning the dinosaurs in the last part of his ever-growing Transformers universe, Bay has now officially changed the course of human history. The Last Knight not only rewrites Arthurian legend (myth, history, whatever), it puts an Autobot spin on World War II, the mystery of Stonehenge and even Stephen Hawking, via scenes that stretch from the depths of outer space to the bottom of the ocean. It's a miracle there isn't a scene where we find out Jesus was a robot too: the Crucifixicon. It is, I shouldn't have to say but will, an extraordinary payload of absolute horseshit: a Buster Gonad-style wheelbarrow of bollocks that will leave you flabbergasted as to how incoherent, lazy and contemptuous it is. I should say, however, that I haven't laughed so much in a cinema in years.

The 13 most incredible sentences from Wikipedia's plot synopsis of Transformers: Age Of Extinction

Posted by Ali Gray at 23:20 on 19 Jun 2017
The 13 most incredible sentences from Wikipedia's plot synopsis of Transformers: Age Of Extinction
I am just a man. I don't claim to be perfect. So even when I stun strangers with my sick film trivia knowledge and straight up dunk on the critics with my professionally-honed reviewing skills, know that there are still gaps in my viewing history. I have never seen Citizen Kane, for example, possibly due to a highly comedic mixup where, for a good few years, I thought it was a sitcom starring Robert Lindsay. I have never seen a David Lynch film, principally because I think I hate him, but still. Never have I ever seen a Kristoff Kieslowski film. I don't even know if that's how you spell his name, and I didn't even bother to check. And so, I humbly admit to you, precious reader, that I have never seen Transformers: Age Of Extinction. For shame.

The top 13 beards in 13 Hours

Posted by Ed Williamson at 23:30 on 04 Feb 2016
The top 13 beards in 13 Hours
13 Hours, as well as being a sensitive and measured critique of America's role as an interventionist force in the Middle East, draws keenly on the theme of beardedness. What does it mean to be a bearded man shooting stuff in a bloody great war, just as the Western male is becoming culturally feminised on a scale not seen since the noblesse of 17th-century France? This thing has so many layers.

Review: 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

Posted by Matt Looker at 09:00 on 29 Jan 2016
13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
A sunset bears down on an open field. Cloth rags blow in the wind. Two children run in slow motion through the long grass. A snag of material on a twig blows in the wind again. Oh, we're back to the sunset again, ok. Now some sheep are milling around for some reason. And now those children are running again. Aaand we're back to the sunset. Jesus Christ, Michael Bay, I get that you're using these establishing shots to build tension but it’s no wonder this film is 144 minutes long. This film should be 6-7 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi. 8 Hours: The Secret Soldiers Of Benghazi max.

Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Posted by Ali Gray at 19:47 on 12 Oct 2014
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
So I finally got old. Morning: doctor's appointment for dry skin. Afternoon: phone calls with estate agents and surveyors and mortgage advisors. Evening: still-aching limbs from a football match played 48 hours previously. I startle awake to find myself sat in a Paramount screening room ready to watch the latest iteration of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a phenomenon I was probably too old to enjoy guilt-free the first time round a quarter of a century ago. "Let's see those hands in the air!" says a company spokesperson, urging attendees to don the giant green foam hands provided for a photo opportunity. I am secretly glad I didn't pick any up on the way in. Because I am old as fuck.

The Transformers/Coen Bros Venn diagram

Posted by Ali Gray at 11:55 on 04 Jul 2014
The Transformers/Coen Bros Venn diagram
It's one of the weirdest phenomenons in modern movie history: how is it that so many Coen regulars wind up in Transformers movies? See the culprits as we attempt to figure out what possible motives the guilty parties could have.

Review: Transformers: Age Of Extinction

Posted by Ed Williamson at 10:00 on 03 Jul 2014
Transformers: Age Of Extinction
An age of extinction. Well, it does go on for ages, but Michael Bay's fourth Transformers movie, while offering some CGI spectacle to knock your block off, threatens the eradication of the human race but never treats the prospect with much more than an afterthought.

Review: Pain & Gain

Posted by Ed Williamson at 08:00 on 27 Aug 2013
Pain & Gain
In bringing to prominence the idea of the American Dream in his 1931 book Epic of America, James Truslow Adams wrote that it was "a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable". In doing so he likely didn't foresee that one day a film starring Marky Mark and The Rock would distort the notion with glorious excess, suggesting that it is a hollow hope when misinterpreted by the ignorant. Or that I would steal his quote from Wikipedia and pass it off as serious historical research.

Can you crack the secret hidden code in the new Pain & Gain poster?

Posted by Luke at 15:45 on 04 Apr 2013

Move mouse over image to crack code!

Warning: may reveal plot spoilers.
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