When does Only Fools And Horses stop being Only Fools And Horses?

The US version of the Nation’s Favourite Sitcom™ might as well come with the tagline 'No money back, no guarantee'.

When news broke that the US were creating their own version of Only Fools And Horses, two questions seemed pertinent: 1. Why now? And 2. How are they going to fuck it up? Also, why now?

The 'why' can’t easily be explained without first re-writing the laws of logic itself and even then it would take Will Hunting locked in a room full of blackboards to come up with a half-decent guess. The 'how will they fuck it up', though, is much more straightforward. Answer: in every way possible.

We’ve previously reported on the extensive casting of the US remake but, as a refresher, here are the three main leads you need to care about:



Now, with one pilot already filmed, unsurprisingly panned and surprisingly given a second chance, comes more brilliant news: Only Fools And Horses is to be renamed Kings Of Van Nuys. I know Van Nuys is a place in LA, but I don’t even know how to pronounce that last word. Noyz? Nighs? Nyewz?

The point is, though, with Only Fools And Horses already stripped of its original location – which, it's fair to say, is a fundamental ingredient of the show's concept – and recast with new actors playing no doubt different takes on the original characters, this show was really Only Fools And Horses in name only. And now it's not even that.

And it's not as though Americans even care, is it? I can’t imagine they all tune into UK Gold to watch reruns of this show and have ever thought “Yee-haa! I’d love to see a version of this on my home turf” (There's a chance I don't know how to speak like an American).

So, at this point, why not call Kings Of Van Nuys a completely new, wholly original show and then have the freedom to make shit up? Del Boy could be renamed Jack Stryker, Rodney could be renamed Poindexter and Grandad could be reinvented as a fast-talking, wise-cracking bald eagle. The first episode will see the trio visited by future version of themselves from exactly one year in the future who explain that they need to fulfil a quest to obtain a magical dragon's egg in order to become millionaires.

The theme tune will be a moody sax melody playing over footage of the three of them all playing basketball and performing heart surgery.

I still wouldn't watch it, but at least I'd be less pissed off.